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Wood the Writer

~ Author of Tales From Undersea

Wood the Writer

Tag Archives: lit

Tales From Undersea – Traitor’s Revenge (excerpt)

04 Monday May 2020

Posted by Jessica Wood in author, Blog, book exerpt, self publishing, steampunk, story, villain, writing

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book, book excerpt, book sample, creative writing, lit, oceanpunk, pirates, seapunk, steampunk, story, vikings, writing

“Move aside. I’ll take her,” a new Viking joined the fight, the others parting to let him pass. Judging by his age, the quality of the axe in his hand, and the commanding tone of his voice, Alethea guessed that this was the Viking Chieftain.

A roar from Iku-turso interrupted their fight. Each of them instinctively covered their ears, forgetting that they were all wearing diving helmets.

“Chief,” one of the Vikings said over the sound. He was a tall Polynesian man with ink black skin and long hair which flowed in the water. His Viking attire was decorated with patterns and symbols of the Polynesian islands and a shark toothed club hung from his holster. The man looked as if he could punch through walls and kill an elephant with a single fist.

“Not now, Inoki,” the Chieftain said, not looking at him as he swam closer to Alethea, who gripped her own sword tighter. She considered how quickly she could draw her gun from her holster and fire, or how quickly she could draw Robert’s gun from its hidden pouch if she needed to.

“Chief, it’s about to rip the Fenrir apart. We need to leave now,” Inoki said, placing a large hand on the Chief’s shoulder.

Alethea risked a glance to see that the creature, blood pouring from its cut tentacle, close to tearing off the Fenrir’s hull. Glances between the Vikings told them that they would have to leave, without the stone.

“Damn you pirate arseholes. Think you rule the entire ocean,” one of the more particularly violent Vikings said, throwing his axe to the ground in frustration. It took him a moment to remember that he was underwater and desperately grabbed it again before it floated to the surface.

The Chieftain said nothing. He kicked himself off his crewmate to cross the distance to Alethea. She barely raised her sword in time to clash against his axe.

“I hope you don’t think Redscalp’s treasure is yours to take, Barracuda,” he growled.

There was something in his voice which shook Alethea. Something which bothered her even more than the axe in his hand or the monster roaring close by.

“Who are you?” she asked without knowing why.

With a motion so swift it made her gasp, he grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. She could see his face clearly through his helmet. She could see his greying red hair streaked across his forehead and his dark brown eyes, looking straight into hers as if he were inspecting her. Even in the cold Nordic sea, her blood seemed to boil.

“I already told you, I’m Petturi Konna. And I am the rightful heir to Redscalp’s treasure. It’s what I’m owed.”

 

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Why Your Stories Should be Fun

23 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by Jessica Wood in author, Blog, Common Criticism, criticism, story, writing, writing advice

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creative writing, lit, writers, writing, writing advice, writing tips

If you’ve ever heard or read stories written for a creative writing workshop, or judged a writing contest, you’ll likely have seen a similarity amongst almost all of them – They all tend to be dark, gloomy, and depressing. This is because many people who are just starting out as writers have an idea that for writing to be good, it has to be serious and at least give the illusion of being deep. Or at least, they think that this is the only type of writing which will get them recognition from writing teachers and contest judges. And considering the amount of MFA teachers and literary contest judges which support this way of thinking, they’re not wrong.

Even professionals seem to be believing this to some extent, given the huge increase in the amount of ‘dark and gritty’ tv shows, movies, and books which have come out ever since Game of Thrones became the most popular show on television.

I believed the same thing for a long time during my early writing days. My first novel was a YA fantasy story, yet it was still about as angst-ridden as they come. A lot of it was a reaction to a bad period of my life, and expressing it creatively did help me a lot at the time. Yet once I ditched the angsty novel and started writing one with a more light-hearted and comedic bent, I started to enjoy writing much more. It’s also been surprisingly beneficial to my mental health as well.

When should stories be dark?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not immedietly turned off by a story just because it’s dark or has a sad ending. I just finished binge-watching You which is insanely creepy and has a sad ending, yet it has still made me want to read the book it was adapted from. The essence of drama does come from characters suffering, after all. Authors who have been through bad situations, or have relatives or ancestors who have, often need to record their experiences in the form of fiction as a form of both personal therapy and preservation.

What I’m trying to get at is that while these stories may be good, they may be popular, and they may win awards, it doesn’t mean that every single story needs to be the same, as so many Hollywood producers seem to assume. Just because a story can be dark, that doesn’t mean it has to be.

Game of Thrones works as a dark story because intended it as a subversion of the noble-bright nature of classic fantasy stories such as Lord of the Rings. You works as a dark story because it is a reflection of the far too prevalent real world phenomenon of women being stalked and harassed by ‘nice guys’.

There are certain types of stories which should deal with serious issues, and other types which should exist simply to cheer up audiences. When you come home from a tough day at work, you are much more likely to turn on a light-hearted comedy than a gritty realistic drama, because in that situation, you need the comedy. In many ways, this makes a story more memorable and more likely that the viewer will want to watch more, or re-watch the show.

Fiction is primarily a form of escapism, both for audiences and authors. So, they absolutely should read about characters struggling through and overcoming difficult situations. But if all readers see is characters constantly dying or giving into despair with no hope, they aren’t going to be caught up in the escapism.

Light and dark

Light does not necessarily have to mean the complete absence of dark. Even stories which are classed as comedies or are made for children can still delve into serious issues, often using humour to soften the blow. In many ways, these are my favourite types of stories, and I admire authors who can deal with these more sensitive issues while still retaining a comedic bend. A Series of Unfortunate Events is intentionally dark and outright points out in the narration that nothing is ever going to go right for the child protagonists. Yet audiences stay hooked because both the show and books make such good use of dark humour. You can see the same thing in many other works. My Little Pony had an episode about cults. Recess had an episode about psychological torture. Do I even need to mention the number of deaths in Disney movies?

Writing such stories is a positive experience, but that definitely doesn’t make it an easy one. Comedy isn’t nearly as easy to write as people assume it to be. I still have days when I’m so frustrated with my story that I need to take a step back from it to de-stress myself.

Remember what your story is

If you do like writing dark stories or want to impress a contest judge or your MFA teacher with a serious story, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t think it’s the only thing which makes you a writer. Stories are intended to be entertaining and entertainment is supposed to be fun, not depressing. Whether it’s a concert, a television show, or a sports game, entertainment is designed to give people a good time. There is no reason why your stories shouldn’t be the same way.

Top Four Book Subplots Which Were Better Than the Main Plot

20 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by Jessica Wood in author, Blog, Common Criticism, criticism, fantasy, romance, story, villain, writing, writing advice

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creative writing, lit, subplot, writing, writing tips

Subplots and side characters serve an important narrative role in fiction. They fill out the world and break up the story so that the main cast aren’t overwhelmed with solving every problem. This is why authors should give just as much love and attention to them as they do the main plot and characters. But there are some books in which the subplots and the characters within them are actually better than the main plot. Sometimes you find yourself dragging through the main plot and waiting with anticipation for the subplot to start up again. These are some subplots which I liked far better than the novel’s main plot (again, this is all opinion based, so don’t get your panties in a bunch if I include something you like):

Eragon – Roran’s story

The main plot: A Gary-Stu stumbles upon an adorable baby dragon and a bunch of other abilities and makes a lot of powerful friends. They travel the world of inexplicable geography to rip of Star Wars and every other fantasy story ever to take down the evil emperor, who is only evil because the author says he is. At one point the protagonist spends an entire chapter hanging around some woods and thinking about how ants are neat.

The sub plot: A normal farm boy with no special powers or privileges goes out into a world he barely knows to avenge his fallen father, save the survivors of his village, and rescue his true love, all so that he can return to living a normal life with the ones he loves.

So awesome that they were of course cut from the movie

The Hunger Games – Basically any of the other subplots

The main plot: A girl appears on a reality tv death show, takes down the government, and still has time for the most overblown love triangle ever. All for a poorly thought out social commentary that rich people are bad (who knew?).

The sub plot: Two kindred spirits both suffering from post-traumatic stress have a forbidden romance with one of them being used by the President as a sex slave, yet still help the other deal with their mental issues. When they finally wind up happy together, one of them is unceremoniously killed off-page.

The other sub plot: At age 12, Rue is already caring for her younger siblings until she is chosen for The Hunger Games, or super happy death camp. She survives for a long time thanks to her hiding abilities until her death sparks the first riot amongst the regular population which leads to the takedown of the government.

How the entire series went in my head

His Dark Materials – Mary Malone and the mulefa

The main plot: Two super special awesome kids with overpowered plot devices go on a quest to kill God, despite having no real qualms against him, go to the world of the dead just because they can, and have a tragic ending for no real reason. The message is that religion is a lie, even though God and the afterlife literally exist in this multiverse.

The sub plot: A nun-turned-scientist discovers gateways between worlds and comes to live with a bizarre alternate reality race who help her uncover the nature of the entire universe and how to save it.

The Princess Bride – Inigo Montoya’s revenge

The main plot: In the book version at least, two overblown romance novel stereotypes with no real personalities or likeable attributes go through a bunch of overblown romance novel clichés and almost die for each other BECAUSE TRUE LOVE!!

The sub plot: A man who witnessed his father’s murder as a child dedicates his entire life to avenging him, but instead becomes a washed up drunk assisting the main idiots with their stupid problems. He finally gets his revenge in the most awesome fight scene ever and becomes a legendary pirate, showing us how far a person will really go for the sake of true love.

The real reason we all read the book

Top Five Anime Cliches That Novelists Should Avoid

13 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by Jessica Wood in anime, Common Criticism, criticism, fantasy, romance, shojo, story, villain, writing, writing advice

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anime, creative writing, lit, novel writing, writer, writing tips

When I began my first novel, I spent a lot of my free time watching anime. This bled into my writing and caused me to fill my book with characters and plot elements similar to those I had seen in anime.

It was only when I looked back at my first drafts that I saw just how out of place this influence was. These tropes are perfectly acceptable in anime, even if most of them are considered clichés, but don’t belong in a novel. If you’re having the same problem that I had, these are some of the anime stereotypes to look out for and leave out of your novel:

Complex love charts

Practically every anime has a complex chart of who has a crush on who, setting the ground for how the chart will be sorted out and who is going to end up with who in the end. A novel doesn’t have the same amount of time for relationship development as a 52-episode anime, so it won’t have the space to solve such a complex love chart. Novel readers also aren’t as into love triangles as anime fans are, despite what publishers will have you believe. Keep your love charts as simple as possible and resolve them fully by the end of your book.

But the chart says…

Anime hair

I’m majorly jealous of the girls in anime. They all have wacky hair colours in styles that are impossible in real life. It’s tempting to give your novel characters a similar appearance in order to make them a little more different or quirky. But while we expect girls in anime to have weird hair colours and styles, it won’t make as much sense in a novel, unless you can somehow explain where a medieval-esque fantasy society are getting so much hair dye.

Oh sure, it’s easy when you wear a wig…

Casual physical abuse

The trademark of the ‘yandere’ character is to punch their love interest into the sunset for the smallest of mistakes. Not only is this considered horribly abusive behaviour, it makes the characters despicable, not lovable. In real life, this person would either be in jail or undergoing severe psychiatric treatment. If your novel characters abuse their partners, or anyone else, it should only be if you are writing them as purposefully villainous.

Typical anime love interest

Harems

A classic anime story – A completely normal, average guy, serving as the surrogate for the romantically frustrated male audience, winds up with at least half a dozen beautiful young girls, who all magically love him despite his complete lack of a personality. It’s a male fantasy that may work in anime and visual novel games, but has no place in actual novels.

Not pictured: Personality

Lovable pervert

I think it’s fairly obvious what this character is all about. It’s difficult to make an outwardly perverted character likeable, as they will come across as creepy and rapey instead. If you try to make this character into the love interest, it will be even more unbelievable, as nobody will believe that this person can magically become monogamous through the power of love. Your novel characters may experience attraction or a sexual awakening like everyone does, but try to keep their perversions to a minimum.

Top five books with good premise but bad execution

27 Sunday Aug 2017

Posted by Jessica Wood in author, Blog, book review, criticism, fantasy, musings, romance, steampunk, story, top 5 list, writing

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

book criticism, books, creative writing, lit, writing

If you could name one thing in common with all your favourite books, it would probably be that they all have an excellent premise. Perhaps it is a new twist on an old genre, a unique location, or a fascinating character. It is the thing which made you choose the book over thousands of others on the shelves.

But like me, you might have frequently found yourself drawn into a book by its excellent premise only to find that the content of the book is severely lacking, or not what you were expecting. These are some of the books I have read which I had high hopes for but which I felt weren’t carried out well (this is all opinion based so don’t get your panties in a bunch if I slag off a book that you like):

Obsidian Mirror by Catherine Fisher

The premise: A teenage boy travels to a remote English villa to find out what happened to his missing father, and uncovers mysterious secrets.

The execution: Mystery, time travel, steampunkish tech, faeries, and some other stuff I just didn’t get all jammed together into one book. This book had a strong opening, but then threw so much stuff at me all at once that I barely had time to take it all in or keep track of what was going on.

The King’s Sister by Anne O’Brien

The premise: A story about Elizabeth of Lancaster, sister of King Henry IV and a little-known figure of history.

The execution: Medieval soap-opera melodrama and problems which were either solved way too quickly or just seemed to solve themselves eventually anyway.

Bearers of the Black Staff by Terry Brooks

The premise: A highly different fantasy which is set not in another world or the distant past, but in the post-apocalyptic far future.

The execution: Just another bog-standard sword-and-sorcery fantasy. There are so many things that could have been done with this premise- Magic duels in the ruins of skyscrapers, contemporary stories becoming folklore, everyday modern objects viewed as sacred artefacts. If you want this same premise done much better, read the Mortal Engines series instead.

The Wolf Princess by Cathryn Constable

The premise: A teenage orphan and her friends get the chance to travel to a remote palace in Russia and uncover hidden family secrets.

The execution: Cliched characters, a protagonist who is barely active in her own story, and huge, completely noticeable plot holes.

Dragon’s Child by M.K. Hume

The premise: An origin story for King Arthur, focusing heavily on the Roman Britain setting.

The execution: Murder, rape, torture, paedophilia, slavery, and just plain uncomfortable reading.

 

What are some books which you thought were going to be great but severely let you down? Tell me in the comments below.

How to write a love/hate relationship

20 Sunday Aug 2017

Posted by Jessica Wood in author, Common Criticism, criticism, romance, story, writing, writing advice

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books, lit, love hate relationship, romance writing, writing

I’ve previously written about some of the classic romance writing tropes which I can’t stand, and today I have another to add to the list: Love/hate relationships. These are fictional relationships in which a couple do nothing but fight, sometimes even physically abuse each other, yet at the insistence of the author and the rest of the cast, it is evidence that they are falling in love.

It’s clear why this type of relationship in fiction isn’t too popular anymore and why people are beginning to severely question it. Who looks at a real-life couple arguing and thinks that is what they want from a relationship? It isn’t very romantic to hook up with someone when you still hate them.

Yet readers still love reading about interesting and complex relationships and a dynamic between two incredibly strong-willed individuals working through their feelings can be a good one when done correctly. Hate turning to love is still a popular fanfiction plot as readers enjoy seeing how their favourite characters can go from one emotional extreme to the other. They just don’t want to be tricked into supporting an unrealistic couple with no reason to love one another. These are some of the top ways to write a believable love/hate relationship without dipping into abusive territory:

Write a character arc

The golden rule of writing applies to love/hate relationships too. Rather than showing a couple spend an entire work of fiction bickering then have them suddenly admit their attraction and hook up at the end, give them an actual character arc to show how they and their relationship change over the course of the story. Show how intense hatred can turn to intense love through character interaction gradually softening the relationship.

Overcome a character flaw

An integral part of the character arc is to show a character with a severe flaw which they come to realise and improve. Perhaps the reason your characters start out in a love/hate relationship is because one or both has trust issues or was raised in an abusive household. These can explain the character’s motivation and give them an interesting Hero’s Journey which the readers will want to follow.

Make it comedic

Another way you can get away with a love/hate relationship is to write it in a comedic context. This stems all the way back to Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing, possibly the very first love/hate relationship story. We can laugh at Benedick and Beatrice’s quips yet still have the sense that they genuinely care for each other and feel happy when they sort things out at the end.

Gielgud_and_Leighton_in_Much_Ado_1959

Don’t write physical or mental abuse

The main criticism against love/hate relationships is that authors confuse abusive behaviour with regular domestic arguments, or believe that regular fights are a normal part of relationships. Thankfully people are now waking up to how damaging this message is, but there are still too many borderline abusive relationships in fiction. Arguments may be a common part of relationships, but they should be presented in a constructive manner to allow a couple to air their grievances occasionally, not happen all the time. It should go without saying that physically abusive behaviour has no place in a romance, not even in a comedic context.

Make it purposefully self-destructive

You might, however, decide to go down the opposite route and write this type of relationship as self-destructive on purpose. This can demonstrate the realities of a co-dependant relationship and how it will rarely work out. There are many fascinating real-life examples of couples with a ‘can’t live with them, can’t live without them’ type dynamic. For example, the biopic Sid and Nancy depicts the real-life relationship between the Sex Pistols’ bassist Sid Vicious and his girlfriend Nancy Spungen and the disastrous impact it had on their lives.

 

What are some good and bad examples of love/hate relationships that you have seen in fiction? Tell me in the comments below.

Book Review – Pegasus

27 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by Jessica Wood in Blog, book review, culture, fantasy, story, writing

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

book review, books, fantasy, fantasy book, lit, pegasus, reading, robin mckinley

pegasus

Pegasus by Robin Mckinley tells the story of a human kingdom which for over a thousand years has held an alliance with a race of sentient pegasi in order to keep both races safe from the monsters which ravage the land. Part of the treaty is that members of the human royal family are ceremoniously bound to members of the pegasi royal family. Despite this, the two races can only communicate through vague sign language and still know little about each other’s cultures.

This all changes on the day that Princess Sylvi, the fourth child of the current King, is bound to her pegasus Ebon, the fourth child of the pegasus king. They find that they can communicate with each other telepathically. While the two are happy with their new found friendship and some hope it can form a greater bond between humans and pegasi, others, especially the bitter court magician Fthoom, feel that it is wrong to go against a thousand years of tradition and it will break the alliance. As she grows closer to Ebon and the other pegasi, Sylvi comes to discover many secrets about both of their races that have been hidden for generations and which may well put their alliance in danger.

I began reading this book as I am also writing a boot that includes pegasi, and I was immediately drawn in by the new angle that the author takes to pegasi, making them much more than just horses with wings. Most notably, they have small feather like hands on the ends of their wings which allow them to make things. Sylvi’s Pegasus Ebon wishes to be a sculptor of all things.

It is unfortunate then that the major failing in this book is that it is incredibly slow paced, particularly at the beginning which feels much more like a history lecture and takes about four chapters to get to the first major plot point. It is at least interesting exposition which provides a good setup for the inciting incident and does at least make you want to keep reading, but it still feels like it could’ve been so much shorter and to the point. It made reading the book even more frustrating as I was genuinely enjoying it and becoming invested into the characters, but the bad pacing was so noticeable that I knew it would keep me from giving it a five star rating. I couldn’t even use the excuse that it is a classic book using archaic language as it only came out in 2010.

The rest of the book isn’t much better with sometimes a hundred pages between each plot point, and yet there is also a setup for a monster attack which is never carried through. There is a cliff hanger at the end with a sequel supposedly coming out soon which will hopefully complete this plot thread. But it still feels as if the entire story could’ve been condensed into one volume just by cutting down upon the lengthy parts.

Still, anyone who doesn’t mind sifting through this heavy exposition and enjoys fantasy with a unique perspective will still like this book. Sylvi and Ebon are likeable protagonists and you can’t help but feel drawn in by their strong bond and curiosity over each other’s cultures. I’ll be looking forward to the sequel, even if I might have to sit through a lot of lengthy prose for a second time.

Rating – 4 out of 5.

New Short Story – Alone in the Picture Gallery

22 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by Jessica Wood in art, culture, Short story, story, writing

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creative writing, flash fiction, lit, picture gallery, short story, writing, writing prompt

I have returned from the slumbering depths with a new short story! Ok, I’ve actually been super busy with work over the past month and have had a few sick days too, but I have scraped together enough time to post this new short story, which is actually closer to flash fiction.

This is another short that I’ve been re-working and sending off to several contests and anthologies without luck. I feel that I’ve done enough with it that I possibly could so I’ve decided to post it here for my blog visitors to enjoy.

I began this short with a prompt to write something inspired by a museum visit, so I wrote about a real experience I had back when I volunteered at a museum in the UK. The details are slightly different, but this basically did happen to me. Hope you enjoy:

This work is my possession and must not be repeated or re-printed anywhere else without my prior consent.

Alone in the Picture Gallery

exhibition-362163_640

I always looked forward to rainy days. They were bad for most people but not for me. Fewer visitors to the museum made my work go much quicker and gave me some alone time with the artworks. The museum became my personal playground for a short while. I knew that it needed visitors and their precious donation money to stay open but I still much preferred peaceful days like that overcast Monday morning.

I had been checking the light levels of the paintings just as I did every day. There was nothing unusual about them on that day. The dull sky was good for the paintings so I was even happier.

The old man’s blaring voice came out of nowhere, startling me.

“What’s that you’re doing?” He said, appearing behind me suddenly like something out of a cartoon. I must have been so absorbed in my work that I hadn’t noticed him approach me.

“Light meter readings, sir.” I said, with my best ‘tourist smile’ on my face.

I was asked questions like these every day, even on a quiet Monday morning. It was all part of my job, but not one I particularly enjoyed. I’m much more comfortable taking care of paintings than I am talking to people. I rattled off my usual answer so that I could get back to my work.

“Long term exposure to direct sunlight damages the oil paintings, so I’m recording how much light-”

“Do you know how long I had to wait for the bus this morning?”

I was a little thrown back by his abrupt question. It was a little too much for my limited social skills.

“Uh…I don’t…I don’t know, sir.”

I thought that maybe he was making a complaint to me, being the only staff member in sight. But the museum didn’t even have a bus service, so what was he complaining about?

“Forty five minutes.” He said. “Forty five minutes standing in the rain! Can you believe it?”

“Yes, that is a long time to wait.” I mumbled awkwardly. Not knowing what else to say, I turned back to the painting. Socialising with customers wasn’t exactly my job, so I shouldn’t have to feel bad about it.

“There used to be one every half hour. Now they come every hour.” The old man continued.

“Oh…I see.” I said, hoping that writing on my clipboard would give him the message that I had a job to do.

“They’re all the same, aren’t they?” He said, following me as I walked to the next painting.

“I suppose so.” I said, not entirely sure who ‘they’ were.

“And the worst part is they see nothing wrong with it.”

I tried to shuffle to the left but he moved closer. His breath smelled like barley sweets. I was almost afraid that the stench would damage the paintings. I looked around the room, desperate to see a colleague I could rush to with an imaginary problem. But we were the only two people there.

“That’s our society for you, people becoming self-entitled. They want everything to be about them. I mean, we have two thousand television channels but are we any better off?”

By then I knew that I would be there for a while, trapped alone in the corner of the picture gallery by barley breath. I wanted to just say ‘Please excuse me, I need to get back to my work’ but my natural shyness wouldn’t let me. If I was bolder, I could have asked him why he waited for 45 minutes in the rain when he could’ve just stayed at home and come another day. But I didn’t.

My nodding had become rhythmic by that point. I discretely watched the door, hoping for a lost day tripper to wander in and ask me for help. But the whole museum seemed to have emptied of people. Nobody else would be silly enough to come out in this weather.

 

After fifteen minutes of his ranting, I was thinking of faking a horrible stomach condition just for an excuse to run from the room. I silently prayed for the radio on my belt to alert me of something urgent, but it stayed silent.

I cast a desperate glance at the long line of paintings I still had to check before noon. I thought that maybe I should just go and check them anyway, but I would feel rude, even in front of this miserable old fusspot. He’d just follow me around the entire museum until my shift was over anyway.

If I was more confident I would have screamed ‘Shut up! Shut up you stupid old windbag, no one cares about your stupid tiny problems except for you. Why else would you stand in the rain for forty five minutes and come to museums just to find someone to moan at?’ But I didn’t. I just stood there smiling and nodding, crying internally.

“…Sent the letter four weeks ago and they still haven’t done anything about it. You’d think they’d do more considering what they’re paid, don’t you agree?”

What? What had he been talking about? Was it the supermarket aisles being moved around or the neighbour’s dog barking at 3am? Whatever it was, I was sure it couldn’t be more annoying than cornering a random museum employee to use as a personal comments box. Isn’t this what the newspaper letters section was invented for?

“Oh yes, of course.” I said, smiling and nodding like a dashboard ornament, the only social rules I knew. I hadn’t been paying attention to what he’d been saying for a while now, but I hoped that was the right response. I’m sure he wouldn’t have noticed anyway. He just wanted someone to agree with his insane ramblings. Maybe if I wasn’t so annoyed, I would have actually felt sorry for him.

“It’s outrageous, isn’t it?” He said, chuckling to himself, inciting me to give an obviously fake laugh in response.

The strangest thing happened then. He turned around, still laughing to himself, and left the room. My forced smile finally drooped. The stench of his breath would haunt me for weeks. Worse than that, he had stolen fifteen minutes of my work time then wandered off as if it had been nothing.

He hadn’t even left a donation in the box.

 

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