Category Archives: fantasy

Why is Fantasy Obsessed With Royalty?

22 Friday Feb 2019

Posted by in author, Common Criticism, criticism, culture, dumbass in distress, fairy tale, fantasy, musings, romance, story, writing

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If you polled fantasy readers on the most overdone tropes in fantasy fiction, chances are that most of them will name something like ‘the rebellious princess’ or ‘the stableboy who becomes king’ or any of the other numerous royalty tropes which frequently appear in fantasy. Yet it doesn’t stop fantasy authors from churning out a constant stream of books about royals, or readers from consuming them. It has reached the point that members of a royal family have almost become the go-to cast for a fantasy novel, and sometimes it can be difficult to find a fantasy book which doesn’t feature a member of the monarchy in some form. If royals are such an overdone fantasy cliché, why are we still so obsessed with them?


Photo by King’s Church International on Unsplash

…And they lived happily ever after

It all goes back to where modern-day fantasy spawned from – fairy tales. The standard fairy tale plot is a princess gets captured or imprisoned, a hero shows up out of nowhere to save her, and he is rewarded with the princess’ hand in marriage and half the kingdom.

They may be old and horribly outdated much of the time, yet they are still the stories we are told as children, whether it is through bedtime stories or Disney movies. This teaches us from a young and impressionable age that being a Princess is something special and desirable and that a Prince is ideal marriage material.


Photo by Susanne Jutzeler from Pexels

The real-life fairy tale

This also explains why society is so obsessed with royalty in real life, despite several dark periods of history making royalty almost entirely obsolete in modern times. We’re well aware that modern monarchs are only figureheads with no real power anymore. Most of us are also aware that they’re living comfortable lives which none of us can ever hope for. Yet that didn’t stop tens of thousands of people from descending on London last year to watch the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle in Windsor Castle, or thousands more from watching it live on television. They have what we’ve been taught to desire, but instead of feeling jealous, we adore them for it.

Escape into fantasy

Time Magazine explains that our obsession with real life royals is a parasocial relationship, similar to our relationships with our favourite fictional characters. We form one-sided relationships and become invested in the drama and stories of their lives without actually interacting with them or having them directly impact our lives in any meaningful way.

Whether they are real life or fictional, royals provide us with a necessary means of escapism. The British people don’t care that the royal family are costing them money at a time when their financial and political future is uncertain. They ignore the fact that high expectations and constant media bombardment probably make the life of a royal more stressful than it appears in pictures. They prefer to think about the dresses and parties and the smiling faces they see in the newspaper.

Carfax2 / WikiCommons

Fantasy is one of the prime forms of escapist fiction, and what could be more escapist than picturing yourself as the beautiful princess living in a fairy tale castle and falling in love with the handsome prince? Even the old fairy tales provided an escapist fantasy for regular people to envision themselves rising above their stations and becoming royalty.

Prawny / Pixabay

In reality, being a public figurehead would be incredibly stressful, a castle would be cold and drafty to live in, and falling in love at first sight with a prince you barely know probably wouldn’t work out in the long term. Yet even knowing all this, it’s still much nicer to just think about the happily ever after.

The media cycle

Media outlets know that royalty is used as a form of escapism and that they can use this obsession to increase their sales. Being fed a constant stream of articles, images, and news pieces about royals keeps them in our collective consciousness and keeps people buying newspapers or clicking on news websites. Disney keeps on making movies about princesses because they are fully aware that they will sell more toys and more trips to Disneyworld. Similarly, publishers keep putting out book after book featuring royals because they know that as overdone as it is, readers will keep buying them, and the publishing cycle will continue.

Updating a tale as old as time

Yet a constant stream of books about royalty doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, or a sign of an unoriginal writer. Our knowledge of royalty also comes from history and folklore. Historically, a king was much more of an ‘everyman’ and representative of the people with a lot more say in the management and safety of his kingdom. This makes royals ideal protagonists for fantasy fiction based upon a historical setting, since they will need to make decisions which affect their entire kingdom. It provides more leverage for everybody’s favourite trope, the forbidden romance, with the royal finding a way to marry for love rather than political reasons. If you look closely enough at history, you’ll find that there are many more obscure royals or little-told-stories which would make for great fantasy books.

There are a multitude of creative ways that modern readers can use royalty to subvert the old tropes and put a fresh spin on them to attract more readers. This is why we are seeing more stories about overweight princesses, transgender princes, or royals from cultures which aren’t quasi-European. The beautiful princess and the handsome prince are still good starting points for writers, but it is up to them what to do with these old favourites.

Recommended fantasy books about royalty:

The Icemark Chronicles by Stuart Hill

The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Pegasus by Robin McKinley

Crazy fan theories – When will Arthur return?

29 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in crazy fan theory, fantasy, merlin, story, tv

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Warning – Major spoilers for the ending of Merlin (BBC series)

Welcome to a new section of my blog called Crazy Fan Theories. Here I will be sharing bizarre headcanons I have developed for my favourite pieces of pop culture and examining existing fan theories. I’m going to start off with one of my favourite tv shows- the BBC series Merlin– and one of the ongoing questions which fans have been asking since the show ended in 2012.

When will Arthur return?

Like all Arthurian legends, the show had a tragic ending. In the final episode, Arthur succumbed to war injuries and died in Merlin’s arms. Merlin gave him a Viking funeral to send him to the Isle of Avalon to await the predestined day that Arthur will return when Albion needs him most.

Plus he had to drag the body there himself

The show’s final scene is an epilogue of sorts in which we see Merlin as an old man in the modern-day walking past the Isle of Avalon, still keeping watch over it and awaiting Arthur’s return. Supposedly he has been waiting for over 1,000 years at this point, long after everyone he ever loved has died.

Good old family entertainment from the BBC

The more you think about it, the sadder it becomes. The entire series was focused upon Merlin restoring the ‘golden age of magic’ and ending Camelot’s persecution of magic users. Yet many fans felt cheated that they never got to see this happen. It becomes even sadder when you consider Britain’s long history of witch burnings and the fact that witchcraft didn’t become legal in the UK until 1951. Even today, neo-pagan religions such as Wicca and Druidism are incredibly obscure and are generally treated as strange and suspicious. The last time I checked, the UK isn’t full of magical creatures such as dragons and unicorns either, so all that trouble Merlin went through to save the last dragon egg was completely pointless.

Completely pointless baby dragon

So Merlin has basically failed in his lifelong quest of restoring magic, but he can still await Arthur, right? Except that Albion doesn’t need the two of them anymore. Despite what fearmongering tabloids will tell you, the UK, and the western world in general, is better and safer than it ever has been in history (so I really don’t know what I’m constantly complaining about…). Not that everything is great for everyone but people in the UK now live longer, have easy access to all necessities, and can freely practice magic (even if it isn’t the glowy eyes kind from the tv show). This article on Ranker points out that even people in the UK working minimum wage jobs still generally have more freedom and a better quality of life than Arthur had as a king in the Anglo-Saxon period. They aren’t being forced to marry their cousins at the age of 12, they aren’t at risk from dying from something as simple as an ear infection, and they don’t have to live in drafty stone castles. They also aren’t constantly at risk from invading armies or the occasional griffin attack.

Apparently this just used to happen all the time

But if modern-day Albion is doing so well, does that mean that Arthur will never need to come back? Will Merlin wait forever for a day that will never come? Or perhaps this golden age was possible because Arthur has already returned.

Arthur’s real return

Albion has seen a lot of war and strife in the thousand or so years since Arthur’s death, but not even those were enough to warrant Arthur’s return. The one time in this turbulent history when the people of Albion were in the most danger, when they needed Arthur more than ever, was during the blitz from 1940 to 1941. In all the wars in British history, this was the only time that civilians were in constant danger of attack. An estimated 43,000 civilians were killed during this short time and endless buildings were destroyed, taking decades to be restored.

Destruction during the blitz

It makes sense that this would be the time when Arthur returned from Avalon to defend the people of Albion with Merlin’s help. With 1,000 years to think it over, he would have come to terms with witchcraft and fighting alongside a wizard as well. Perhaps he took on a new persona as an army figurehead and might have even become a politician after the war. The timing of this coincides nicely with the repeal of the Witchcraft Act in 1951 and the emergence of neopagan religions in subsequent decades. Perhaps Arthur and Merlin were covertly working to gradually restore the Old Religion to Albion and accomplish what they weren’t able to in the age of Camelot. If anything they beat their predestined expectations since paganism is now more popular than ever and practised throughout the world.

Modern day druids at Stonehenge (which was built by Merlin, btw)

When we see Merlin as an old man in the final scene, it isn’t because he is an immortal stuck in that form forever. After Arthur returned to save Albion and their destiny was fulfilled, both of them were free to live their lives however they wanted and Merlin finally started to age naturally. By 2012, Arthur had passed away from old age after a long and fulfilling life. Old Merlin is not waiting for Arthur’s return – he’s waiting the day when he can finally move on to join Arthur and all of his loved ones in Avalon. They may not have been completely successful in restoring the old ways, but they can still rest knowing that magic users are safe from persecution and Albion will be just fine without them.

 

What do you think of my headcanon? What’s your crazy Merlin fan theory? Tell me in the comments below!

New short story – The Fox and the Illuminator

22 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in fairy tale, fantasy, Short story, story, writing

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I’ve found another old short story which I submitted to a few contest then forgot about. Please enjoy!

The Fox and the Illuminator

The Royal Illuminator was working alone, as always, in the castle scriptorium, squinting against the dim light and coughing occasionally from the layers of dust which gathered on the towering stacks of books. He had been spending the past few months illustrating a book of the kingdom’s history, carefully painting each ornate letter with precision. It was an incredibly important book that the King himself had commissioned from him and was to be the grandest book in the royal library.

As such, the Illuminator put even more care into the manuscript than usual to make it exceptionally magnificent. The illuminations lit up the page, brighter and more beautiful than any book he had ever worked on before. Each picture reflected the glory and lustre of the event it depicted. He loved his work and was gratified by it, but the long hours spent in the silent, empty scriptorium often grew wearisome and lonely.

In the middle of one such day when the sun was high in the sky and the warm sunlight peeked in through the windows, the Illuminator found his hand steadying, his mind drifting, and his eyes drawn towards the garden outside the window. The trees gently swaying in the breeze and the sunlight sparkling on the lake looked particularly inviting that day. If only he could take just one day off from his work, he thought, to enjoy that sunshine, but the manuscript was close to being finished and the King was incredibly strict with deadlines. He noticed a fox wandering around the garden, thinking it strange that a fox should be out at that time of day.

His eyes followed the Fox as it prowled towards the lake where the swans were resting on the bank. With a single quick motion, the fox snapped up one of the swans in its jaws, sending the others flapping and squawking away in a panic. The Illuminator forgot all about his work, jumped to his feet, and ran outside.

“Stop that.” He shouted as he sprinted towards the Fox, who was dragging the dead swan away in her jaws. She looked at him curiously as he approached. “Those swans are the property of the King. It’s illegal to hunt them.”

“But surely that law applies only to people, not to foxes?” The Fox said, dropping the swan to the ground to speak.

“Well…yes.” Admitted the Illuminator, a little stumped to be talking to a fox who spoke his language. “But I still have to stop you. Those swans are protected by the law.”

“Why? Aside from their size, they’re not that different from the other birds in the trees, and there’s no law protecting them.” The Fox said.

“It’s the law. I have to uphold it.” The Illuminator replied.

“Do those trees belong to the King?” The Fox said, pointing her snout towards the forest of tall oak trees.

“Yes. That’s the King’s hunting ground.”

“And yet you would not stop a squirrel from gathering an acorn for its winter store.”

“I suppose I wouldn’t.”

“Most of those trees are there thanks to squirrels gathering acorns and forgetting where they buried them. If not for them, you wouldn’t have the berries that make the inks you use for your books.” The Fox said, noticing the coloured ink stains on the Illuminator’s hands which gave away his profession. “Killing this swan may be against the King’s laws, but if I don’t bring it back to my den then my cubs will starve.”

“I didn’t think of it that way.” The Illuminator said. He’d never realised how important those trees were to the work he treasured. The trees provided the wood for his pencils and the other equipment in his workshop. Without the inks, his pages would be dull and colourless. They provided him with shade in the summer to sit underneath them and read, on the rare occasions when he was free to read. “Go quickly then, before the guards see you.” He said.

“This will not be forgotten.” The Fox said before picking up the swan and carrying it away.

The Illuminator smiled and returned to his work, his mood lifted and his earlier boredom forgotten.

 

Not long after, the Illuminator’s work was suddenly interrupted when two armed guards burst into the scriptorium.

“What’s going on?” He said.

“You’re under arrest.” One of the guards said, grabbing the Illuminator’s arm and jerking him to his feet, leaving a large green smear across the page he had been working on.

“What, why?” The Illuminator asked.

“You were seen. Talking to that fox and letting it off with a swan without trying to stop it.” The second guard said as they dragged him out of the scriptorium.

The Illuminator desperately tried to explain why he hadn’t stopped the Fox, but they wouldn’t listen. They led him through the palace and straight to the King, throwing him down to the ground in front of the entire court, who all gazed down on him scornfully.

“Do you care to explain,” the King bellowed in his loud, imposing voice that made the Illuminator shudder, “why you allowed a fox to steal one of my swans?”

“Please your Majesty, the swan was already dead by the time I got there.” The Illuminator pleaded.

“The swan’s body is still my property, and you let the fox go unpunished.”

The Illuminator tried to explain and repeated what the Fox had said to him, but the King still wasn’t convinced.

“You disregarded my laws and for that you are banished from my castle and my service.” The King said.

“Your Majesty, can you not take comfort that one swan will save an entire litter of fox cubs?” The Illuminator tried one last plea.

“Foxes, horrible mangy things. Now I’ll have even more poaching my swans and raiding the chicken coop. Away with you. Go and live with the foxes if that’s what you want.” The King commanded. Before the Illuminator could say anything more, he was pulled away and forced out the gate into the street.

“Wait, at least let me gather my tools. I need them for my trade.” The Illuminator said, but the guards had already slammed the gates closed.

 

No matter how much be pleaded with the gatekeeper, the Illuminator wasn’t permitted to retrieve his tools, or even the possessions in his chamber. Some of the materials he used for his trade were incredibly rare. He had travelled far and searched wide to find them – gold leaf, dye from Mediterranean Sea molluscs, crushed opals, rich green cobra venom. He was the best illuminator in the kingdom, but without his tools and materials, he couldn’t find any work. Illumination had been all he’d ever known and loved since he was a boy and he didn’t have any other skills. Nobody wanted to hire a vagrant who claimed to be an illuminator.

With no money, no tools, and no job, he had to sleep in abandoned buildings and beg on the streets for pennies. He had to steal food from the King’s orchard, as dangerous as it was to do so, and went to sleep every night alone and miserable.

“If only I still had that manuscript I was working on before all of this happened.” The Illuminator said as he huddled in an old shed with a leaking roof, his stomach aching from hunger pains. “I spent six months working on that book, night and day, and I was so close to finishing it. It was the best work I ever did.”

But it wasn’t really his. It never had been. He’d merely been commissioned to make it. Eventually it would’ve been placed on a library shelf and he would’ve been handed another job.

“If I only had that book to work on and complete then I could at least keep my sanity. I would feel like I had a purpose in life again.”

He saw a dark shape slip underneath the half-rotted door and worried that it was another rat come to bite at his toes. As it came out of the darkness, he saw that it wasn’t a rat. He recognised the speckled red and brown coat. It was the Fox he’d met in the garden all those months ago.

“It’s you. I didn’t think I would see you again.” The Illuminator said. The Fox approached him and he saw that she was awkwardly carrying something large and cumbersome in her mouth, which she placed in his lap. He picked it up and tears filled his eyes as he recognised the illustrations, letters, and gold leafing he had spent hours getting just right. “This is my manuscript. The one I worked so hard on.” He looked up to the Fox, who had sat down next to him. “Why would you do this for me? If the King had caught you sneaking around his palace and stealing from him then you would have been made into a pair of gloves by now.”

“If it wasn’t for your kind act then my cubs would have starved. But now you are the one who is starving.” The Fox said, hanging her head. The Illuminator had never thought he would see a fox feeling guilt, and especially on his behalf.

“I do not blame you for that.” The Illuminator said, reaching a hand towards her head, which she leant into his hand, allowing him to stroke her soft fur. “The King would not listen to reason. He wouldn’t even forgive the death of one swan.”

“Indeed. But I fear this offering cannot fill you belly.” The Fox said.

“No, it can’t do that. But it is more than enough. It may still help me out of my poverty.”

 

“What do you call this?” The King said as the pages of the book in his hand fell apart as he flipped through them. “Not a single thing in this book is right. The colours are all wrong. The pages are out of order. And you didn’t even spell the name of the kingdom correctly!” He bellowed at the nervous apprentice illuminator at his feet, throwing the manuscript at his head. “Get out. Bring me another illuminator. One who can actually do his job.” He said as the apprentice gathered up his pages and fled from the throne room in tears.

“I’m sorry, your Majesty.” The King’s Advisor said at his shoulder. “That was the last illuminator in the kingdom.”

The King rubbed his temples. “Then hire back the illuminator we let go.” He said.

“We…We uh…” The Advisor said, hiding behind his ledger.

“What’s the problem now?”

“We tried to find the Royal Illuminator, your Majesty, but he’s gone too. He’s not anywhere in the kingdom.”

 

“This is the best work I’ve ever seen!” The Queen of the neighbouring kingdom said as she enthusiastically turned the pages of the history manuscript.

“Thank you, your Majesty. I admit it’s not quite finished yet.” The Illuminator said. He felt awkward standing in the opulently decorated throne room in filthy bare feet and clothes which hadn’t been washed in weeks.

“I can see that,” the Queen said as she turned to the page with the ugly green stain, which made the Illuminator blush with embarrassment.

He had long since heard that the Queen of the neighbouring kingdom loved books and had a vast library. Even her throne had a tall stack of books next to it, he noticed. As poor as the Illuminator was, he had taken the risk to travel to her kingdom for just that reason. With his treasured manuscript tucked carefully under his arm and the last of his pennies in his pocket, he had trekked over open fields, drunk rain water from puddles, and survived off berries (although he had kept a few that would make a fine ink). Finally, he had arrived at the Queen’s castle with bare feet and worn clothes but to his luck, it had taken only one glance at the manuscript for her guards to escort him straight to her throne room.

“But for unfinished work, it is still wonderful. The colours are the brightest I’ve ever seen. You must tell me how you do it.”

“I would be happy to, your Majesty.”

“Any king or queen would be honoured to have a book this marvellous in their library. Could you make me a history of my kingdom?” The Queen asked.

“Of course, your Majesty, whatever you ask. But it would take some time and I fear I don’t have the tools or the materials.”

“We’ll provide you with tools and anything else you need. And some new clothes and shoes, of course. I don’t want you to get cold. I’ve long heard of the great skills of my neighbour’s Royal Illuminator. I’m surprised the King fired someone of your talents.”

“There was a…small disagreement involving a swan.” The Illuminator said.

“How silly. Still, no need to worry about that now. I expect you’ll be wanting to see your workshop. And then you must join me for tea and tell me about these illustrations.” The Queen said, rising from her throne and handing the manuscript back to the Illuminator.

“Your Majesty, didn’t you say you wanted this book for your library?” The Illuminator asked.

“Yes, I would love to have this book for my library, but I feel that it belongs to you.” She said, placing it back in his hands. “Besides, you probably want to finish it.”

 

And so, the Illuminator completed his most precious manuscript of all, and many more besides. The Queen of his new kingdom had the most beautiful and well-crafted books in her library that were admired by all who saw them. She and the Illuminator spent many happy hours together discussing books and illustrations. On days when the weather was bright, the Queen demanded that it was too nice a day to spend with work and they spent the day strolling through the gardens and relaxing under trees, talking and laughing together and feeling complete with one another.

As for the Fox, she and her cubs were never again bothered by the King’s guards, and neither they nor the Illuminator ever had to go hungry again.

Why I love fairy tales (but I hate fairy stories)

08 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in anime, criticism, fairy tale, fantasy, musings, villain, writing

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I love fairy tales and love writing stories adapting or subverting their tropes. But one thing you will never find me writing is stories about fairies, or even featuring fairies, because personally I can’t stand them and have no interest in writing about them.

If this may seem odd, consider the difference between a fairy tale and a fairy story. In his essay On Fairy Tales, J.R.R Tolkien defined a fairy tale as a story dealing with the land of faery and mankind’s relationship with it. They often work as cautionary tales about wandering into the realm of the fae and not being able to return to the ‘real’ world.

‘Faery’ is a fairly broad term but it generally refers to what ancient cultures believed was a world parallel to but connected to our own filled with other-worldly creatures. Fairies were one such creature, but not the only ones which were said to inhabit it.


By contrast, Tolkien defined fantasy as something set in an entirely invented world, like his own Middle Earth. More authors are making subversions by returning to the fae variety, but what we now call fairies tend to be creatures of fantasy rather than mythology. They tend to be small, humanoid beings, usually with wings and some form of magical powers.


The reason these fairies never resonated with me is because each interpretation tends to fall into one of these categories:

1. Too generic. It’s difficult for me to love any fantasy creature if the author doesn’t do at least something new with it.
2. Too girly. Not that I’m against girly (I’m a big fan of My Little Pony) but so many writers try to make their fairies too saccharine and sweet, which makes me feel like they just vomited glitter all over the page.
3. Too bitchy. I guess this is supposed to be a subversion of the girly variety, but it tends to come across to me as making them overly mean for no real reason.

This doesn’t mean that I hate all stories with fairies, however. I like the weather fairies in A Tiny Snow Fairy Sugar and the sweets spirits in Yumeiro Pâtissière since despite being overly cutsy, they were still different than the standard fare and their story arcs were just as strong and significant as those of their human friends.


By far my favourite fairies in any form of fiction were the three good fairies – Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather – in Disney’s version of Sleeping Beauty. This is because they were well-rounded, funny, and interesting characters, in fact they were far more heroic than the incredibly bland and useless titular character.


While their magical powers were fairly generic and the film does rely upon incredibly black and white ideas of good and evil, the three of them avoided being either too girly or too bitchy by becoming developed characters rather than fairy archetypes. They had positive and negative qualities, they created some of the best comedy that’s ever been seen in a Disney film, they were loving to Aurora despite her complete lack of a personality, and when the time came to it they were completely badass. Really, the King and Queen should have given control of the kingdom to them at the end, since they were the only ones who had any sense (destroying all the spinning wheels in the kingdom both destroyed the economy and left everyone naked, your majesty).

The villainess Maleficent is also technically a fairy (which is why the re-make made her more like the fae variety) but also greatly different than most ‘bad’ fairies in fiction. True her motivation is for incredibly petty reasons, only because she wasn’t invited to a party, but she is still one of the most memorable villains that Disney has ever made. Even sixty years later, she is still the benchmark against which all other animated villains are measured. The strong characterisation of both the good and evil fairies is what makes Sleeping Beauty into both a fairy tale and a good story about fairies.


What are your thoughts on fairy tales and fairy stories? What are your favourite and least favourite fictional fairies? Tell me in the comments below!

My Top Six Childhood Traumas

05 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in christmas, fantasy, film, story, villain

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I’ve seen a lot of videos on Youtube lately about childhood traumas – the movies or tv shows which gave people nightmares when they were children. It’s a real eye opener into what people found scary when they are children, compared to when they’re adults. There are a lot of things you’d expect children to fear which they don’t find frightening at all. I was never scared by Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark. But there are a lot of things which end up frightening children when they’re not supposed to, even when they’re intended to be cute and harmless. These are my top childhood traumas which freaked me out when I was younger, and still do a little bit today:

Muppet Christmas Carol

Muppet Christmas Carol is now amongst my favourite Christmas films, and the season doesn’t feel complete without watching it at least once. But the reason why it is one of the best adaptations of A Christmas Carol is because the filmmakers knew that it was primarily a ghost story, and the addition of Muppets somehow only makes it scarier. The parts which always freaked me out when I was young where when the doorknocker turns into the face of Jacob Marley, the entire scene right before the ghosts first appear, and of course the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, who literally has the face of death.

Jumanji

I’ve only seen this film once when it first came out, but it terrified me so much that I can’t bring myself to watch it again, or even the reboot. I genuinely don’t know why they thought this would be an ideal film for children, just because they cast Robin Williams in it. It was made in the early days of CGI when it was still incredibly uncanny, and having all of them coming straight at the camera only makes it worse.

The burglars from Home Alone

How could the most popular family comedy of the 90’s possibly traumatise me? Because it prays on the primal childhood fear of burglars breaking into your house and trying to hurt you. The burglars were genuinely terrifying until Kevin set all of his death traps, and even a little bit afterwards. The video game was even worse. I always felt a lot of anxiety for the burglars capturing my character and hanging him on a hook. I think that’s part of the reason why I can’t stand playing video games today.

The junk yard from The Brave Little Toaster

Have you ever noticed what an incredible work of art The Brave Little Toaster is? On first glance, it seems like just another animated children’s film about talking objects. Instead, it’s a painfully poignant tale about what becomes of your life when you can no longer meet your purpose.

The junk yard scene is one of the most frightening scenes in any children’s film, when you think about it. As the cars sing upbeat tune which sounds like it could have come from Rocky Horror, they reminisce about their lives as one by one they are picked up by the omnipotent magnet and dropped onto a conveyer belt to be crushed to death. The magnet is a sort-of metaphor for the Grim Reaper – It picks up the cars and other pieces of junk seemingly at random with no mercy to meet their demise. The cars know that their deaths are inevitable, they just don’t know when it is coming.

I think I need to go and watch My Little Pony for a while…

Return to Oz

Because I’m one of those ‘edgy’ kids, I much prefer Return to Oz to the original The Wizard of Oz, but again, it took me several years of therapy to come to fully appreciate it. First, Dorothy’s aunt and uncle send her to an asylum for electric shock therapy treatment. Next, when she’s back in Oz, she’s stalked by these terrifying wheeler things. Then she’s imprisoned by a woman who has a whole collection of interchangeable heads. When Dorothy tries to steal from her, they all start screaming while the headless body comes after her. Even the uncanny stop motion on the mountain thing was nothing after that horror.

Now that I think of it, couldn’t you escape the wheelers just by climbing some stairs?

Chernobog from Fantasia

Say, here’s a good idea; Let’s raise children as innocent little Christians, instil a fear of hell and demons inside of them to keep them away from bad things like gay thoughts, and then let’s put FUCKING THIS into a Disney film:

Seriously, Walt Disney did know that he had to include a little darkness in his films (Have you ever actually watched Pinocchio? It’s fucked up.), but why did he think it would be a good idea to put the literal, actual devil into the same film as prancing hippos, dancing flowers, and pretty centaurs?

Remember kids, the devil is coming for you!

Nowadays, I can appreciate the sequence for its artistry, and actually admire that they managed to get away with something so intense in the 1940s (this was the same decade when you couldn’t even say the word ‘virgin’ on screen).

But as a sheltered Christian child, I was so scared whenever the Night on Bald Mountain segment started that I fled to the other room. It hadn’t occurred to me yet that I could just turn off the VHS. And I didn’t know that if I had kept watching, I would’ve found out that Chernobog is a complete pussy who is scared off by just a bit of light and choral music. But six-year-old me just didn’t know any better.

 

What were your childhood traumas from film and television which scared you when you were younger? Were my fears justified, or was I a complete baby? Tell me in the comments below!

Top Four Book Subplots Which Were Better Than the Main Plot

20 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in author, Common Criticism, criticism, dumbass in distress, fantasy, romance, story, villain, writing, writing advice

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Subplots and side characters serve an important narrative role in fiction. They fill out the world and break up the story so that the main cast aren’t overwhelmed with solving every problem. This is why authors should give just as much love and attention to them as they do the main plot and characters. But there are some books in which the subplots and the characters within them are actually better than the main plot. Sometimes you find yourself dragging through the main plot and waiting with anticipation for the subplot to start up again. These are some subplots which I liked far better than the novel’s main plot (again, this is all opinion based, so don’t get your panties in a bunch if I include something you like):

Eragon – Roran’s story

The main plot: A Gary-Stu stumbles upon an adorable baby dragon and a bunch of other abilities and makes a lot of powerful friends. They travel the world of inexplicable geography to rip of Star Wars and every other fantasy story ever to take down the evil emperor, who is only evil because the author says he is. At one point the protagonist spends an entire chapter hanging around some woods and thinking about how ants are neat.

The sub plot: A normal farm boy with no special powers or privileges goes out into a world he barely knows to avenge his fallen father, save the survivors of his village, and rescue his true love, all so that he can return to living a normal life with the ones he loves.

So awesome that they were of course cut from the movie

The Hunger Games – Basically any of the other subplots

The main plot: A girl appears on a reality tv death show, takes down the government, and still has time for the most overblown love triangle ever. All for a poorly thought out social commentary that rich people are bad (who knew?).

The sub plot: Two kindred spirits both suffering from post-traumatic stress have a forbidden romance with one of them being used by the President as a sex slave, yet still help the other deal with their mental issues. When they finally wind up happy together, one of them is unceremoniously killed off-page.

The other sub plot: At age 12, Rue is already caring for her younger siblings until she is chosen for The Hunger Games, or super happy death camp. She survives for a long time thanks to her hiding abilities until her death sparks the first riot amongst the regular population which leads to the takedown of the government.

How the entire series went in my head

His Dark Materials – Mary Malone and the mulefa

The main plot: Two super special awesome kids with overpowered plot devices go on a quest to kill God, despite having no real qualms against him, go to the world of the dead just because they can, and have a tragic ending for no real reason. The message is that religion is a lie, even though God and the afterlife literally exist in this multiverse.

The sub plot: A nun-turned-scientist discovers gateways between worlds and comes to live with a bizarre alternate reality race who help her uncover the nature of the entire universe and how to save it.

The Princess Bride – Inigo Montoya’s revenge

The main plot: In the book version at least, two overblown romance novel stereotypes with no real personalities or likeable attributes go through a bunch of overblown romance novel clichés and almost die for each other BECAUSE TRUE LOVE!!

The sub plot: A man who witnessed his father’s murder as a child dedicates his entire life to avenging him, but instead becomes a washed up drunk assisting the main idiots with their stupid problems. He finally gets his revenge in the most awesome fight scene ever and becomes a legendary pirate, showing us how far a person will really go for the sake of true love.

The real reason we all read the book

Top Five Anime Cliches That Novelists Should Avoid

13 Monday Nov 2017

Posted by in anime, Common Criticism, criticism, fantasy, romance, shojo, story, villain, writing, writing advice

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When I began my first novel, I spent a lot of my free time watching anime. This bled into my writing and caused me to fill my book with characters and plot elements similar to those I had seen in anime.

It was only when I looked back at my first drafts that I saw just how out of place this influence was. These tropes are perfectly acceptable in anime, even if most of them are considered clichés, but don’t belong in a novel. If you’re having the same problem that I had, these are some of the anime stereotypes to look out for and leave out of your novel:

Complex love charts

Practically every anime has a complex chart of who has a crush on who, setting the ground for how the chart will be sorted out and who is going to end up with who in the end. A novel doesn’t have the same amount of time for relationship development as a 52-episode anime, so it won’t have the space to solve such a complex love chart. Novel readers also aren’t as into love triangles as anime fans are, despite what publishers will have you believe. Keep your love charts as simple as possible and resolve them fully by the end of your book.

But the chart says…

Anime hair

I’m majorly jealous of the girls in anime. They all have wacky hair colours in styles that are impossible in real life. It’s tempting to give your novel characters a similar appearance in order to make them a little more different or quirky. But while we expect girls in anime to have weird hair colours and styles, it won’t make as much sense in a novel, unless you can somehow explain where a medieval-esque fantasy society are getting so much hair dye.

Oh sure, it’s easy when you wear a wig…

Casual physical abuse

The trademark of the ‘yandere’ character is to punch their love interest into the sunset for the smallest of mistakes. Not only is this considered horribly abusive behaviour, it makes the characters despicable, not lovable. In real life, this person would either be in jail or undergoing severe psychiatric treatment. If your novel characters abuse their partners, or anyone else, it should only be if you are writing them as purposefully villainous.

Typical anime love interest

Harems

A classic anime story – A completely normal, average guy, serving as the surrogate for the romantically frustrated male audience, winds up with at least half a dozen beautiful young girls, who all magically love him despite his complete lack of a personality. It’s a male fantasy that may work in anime and visual novel games, but has no place in actual novels.

Not pictured: Personality

Lovable pervert

I think it’s fairly obvious what this character is all about. It’s difficult to make an outwardly perverted character likeable, as they will come across as creepy and rapey instead. If you try to make this character into the love interest, it will be even more unbelievable, as nobody will believe that this person can magically become monogamous through the power of love. Your novel characters may experience attraction or a sexual awakening like everyone does, but try to keep their perversions to a minimum.

Top five books with good premise but bad execution

27 Sunday Aug 2017

Posted by in author, book review, criticism, fantasy, musings, romance, steampunk, story, top 5 list, writing

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If you could name one thing in common with all your favourite books, it would probably be that they all have an excellent premise. Perhaps it is a new twist on an old genre, a unique location, or a fascinating character. It is the thing which made you choose the book over thousands of others on the shelves.

But like me, you might have frequently found yourself drawn into a book by its excellent premise only to find that the content of the book is severely lacking, or not what you were expecting. These are some of the books I have read which I had high hopes for but which I felt weren’t carried out well (this is all opinion based so don’t get your panties in a bunch if I slag off a book that you like):

Obsidian Mirror by Catherine Fisher

The premise: A teenage boy travels to a remote English villa to find out what happened to his missing father, and uncovers mysterious secrets.

The execution: Mystery, time travel, steampunkish tech, faeries, and some other stuff I just didn’t get all jammed together into one book. This book had a strong opening, but then threw so much stuff at me all at once that I barely had time to take it all in or keep track of what was going on.

The King’s Sister by Anne O’Brien

The premise: A story about Elizabeth of Lancaster, sister of King Henry IV and a little-known figure of history.

The execution: Medieval soap-opera melodrama and problems which were either solved way too quickly or just seemed to solve themselves eventually anyway.

Bearers of the Black Staff by Terry Brooks

The premise: A highly different fantasy which is set not in another world or the distant past, but in the post-apocalyptic far future.

The execution: Just another bog-standard sword-and-sorcery fantasy. There are so many things that could have been done with this premise- Magic duels in the ruins of skyscrapers, contemporary stories becoming folklore, everyday modern objects viewed as sacred artefacts. If you want this same premise done much better, read the Mortal Engines series instead.

The Wolf Princess by Cathryn Constable

The premise: A teenage orphan and her friends get the chance to travel to a remote palace in Russia and uncover hidden family secrets.

The execution: Cliched characters, a protagonist who is barely active in her own story, and huge, completely noticeable plot holes.

Dragon’s Child by M.K. Hume

The premise: An origin story for King Arthur, focusing heavily on the Roman Britain setting.

The execution: Murder, rape, torture, paedophilia, slavery, and just plain uncomfortable reading.

 

What are some books which you thought were going to be great but severely let you down? Tell me in the comments below.

My Top Eight Literary Heroes 2017

23 Sunday Apr 2017

Posted by in author, fantasy, steampunk, story, writing

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Since Visit England has made 2017 the Year of Literary Heroes, I thought it only fitting to list my top literary heroes. Or at least, my top heroes in 2017 as my list tends to change all the time. For this list, I have given myself only two rules:

  1. Prose writers only. I could do an entire list just for scriptwriters.
  2. I need to have read at least two of the author’s books in order to give myself a good enough overview of their work.

So in no particular order, these are my top literary heroes of this year:

  1. J.R.R. Tolkien

Of course, how could I be a fantasy writer and not mention Tolkien? There’s a reason he was responsible for inventing the modern fantasy genre; he wrote some of the best fantasy books ever. His prose is rather outdated and his writing does have some problematic aspects from a modern viewpoint (the whitewashed movie casting certainly doesn’t help), but they are still amazing, immersive stories that I could never hope to beat.

  1. Rachel Caine

I’ve previously made a long gush about how much I love Caine’s Great Library series. It’s rare for a work to be so creative that I actually have dreams about being a part of it. Plus it has a well-rounded cast who I feel I would follow to the ends of the Earth and back.

  1. George R.R. Martin

It’s odd that I’ve included both Martin and Tolkien on my list as in many ways their works are the complete opposite of each other in regards to sex, violence, and general tone. But I also like how a fantasy series can be more adult and frank with its mature themes. The world of Westeros is far from the Christianised idealism of Middle Earth, yet that makes us root for the characters within it even more. While the huge cast of characters can be frustratingly confusing at times, I still admire how Martin can balance them all and make even minor characters feel fleshed out.

  1. Terry Pratchett

He wrote a hilarious parody of the fantasy genre which ended up becoming an integral part of the genre itself. That and I’m impressed by just how much literary output he could produce, even after being diagnosed with an illness which limited his writing ability. All of that and his stories are still hugely entertaining to read. I sort of think of them as the perfect cure for a gloomy day.

  1. Phillip Pullman

His Dark Materials isn’t just a great work of literature and an exciting fantasy adventure. I also admire how Pullman deeply respects his child audience and isn’t afraid to make them ask deep questions about religion, morality, and authority. Oh and armoured polar bears.

  1. Carole Wilkinson

Caine is one of the few writers who can make me dream about living in her fantasy world. Wilkinson is the only one who can make me salivate with her lush descriptions of food. That and her Dragonkeeper series is a fantastic story which has clearly had a tonne of research put into the historical China setting, blending real life history with folklore perfectly.

  1. Philip Reeve

Reeve is a great example of how diverse a single author can be. Most of his books I have read are steampunkish (even though he supposedly hates the word steampunk) and yet can range anywhere from childlike whimsy to a post-apocalyptic hellhole. The Larklight trilogy has such a cool concept that it is hard not to get sucked into it, while The Mortal Engines series is just as imaginative but isn’t afraid to show how couples in love can still do horrible things to each other out of anger.

  1. Tove Jansson

Tove Jansson with her Moomin figures/ Per Olav Jansson/ Public domain

The rest of Finland would hate me if I didn’t include Jansson, but after being paid to write some articles about her, I came to appreciate her on another level. The Moomins series works on idyllic Finnish nostalgia while also being hugely ahead of its time and delving into themes of depression and forbidden love. Did you know that one of the books included a same-sex couple when homosexuality was still illegal in Finland? One of her literary novels The True Deceiver is also one of my favourites, which is saying a lot considering how little I read literary fiction, and even in translation it comes across as masterfully written.

 

Who are your literary heroes and why do you idolise them? Tell me in the comments below!

Book Review – Pegasus

27 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by in book review, culture, fantasy, story, writing

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pegasus

Pegasus by Robin Mckinley tells the story of a human kingdom which for over a thousand years has held an alliance with a race of sentient pegasi in order to keep both races safe from the monsters which ravage the land. Part of the treaty is that members of the human royal family are ceremoniously bound to members of the pegasi royal family. Despite this, the two races can only communicate through vague sign language and still know little about each other’s cultures.

This all changes on the day that Princess Sylvi, the fourth child of the current King, is bound to her pegasus Ebon, the fourth child of the pegasus king. They find that they can communicate with each other telepathically. While the two are happy with their new found friendship and some hope it can form a greater bond between humans and pegasi, others, especially the bitter court magician Fthoom, feel that it is wrong to go against a thousand years of tradition and it will break the alliance. As she grows closer to Ebon and the other pegasi, Sylvi comes to discover many secrets about both of their races that have been hidden for generations and which may well put their alliance in danger.

I began reading this book as I am also writing a boot that includes pegasi, and I was immediately drawn in by the new angle that the author takes to pegasi, making them much more than just horses with wings. Most notably, they have small feather like hands on the ends of their wings which allow them to make things. Sylvi’s Pegasus Ebon wishes to be a sculptor of all things.

It is unfortunate then that the major failing in this book is that it is incredibly slow paced, particularly at the beginning which feels much more like a history lecture and takes about four chapters to get to the first major plot point. It is at least interesting exposition which provides a good setup for the inciting incident and does at least make you want to keep reading, but it still feels like it could’ve been so much shorter and to the point. It made reading the book even more frustrating as I was genuinely enjoying it and becoming invested into the characters, but the bad pacing was so noticeable that I knew it would keep me from giving it a five star rating. I couldn’t even use the excuse that it is a classic book using archaic language as it only came out in 2010.

The rest of the book isn’t much better with sometimes a hundred pages between each plot point, and yet there is also a setup for a monster attack which is never carried through. There is a cliff hanger at the end with a sequel supposedly coming out soon which will hopefully complete this plot thread. But it still feels as if the entire story could’ve been condensed into one volume just by cutting down upon the lengthy parts.

Still, anyone who doesn’t mind sifting through this heavy exposition and enjoys fantasy with a unique perspective will still like this book. Sylvi and Ebon are likeable protagonists and you can’t help but feel drawn in by their strong bond and curiosity over each other’s cultures. I’ll be looking forward to the sequel, even if I might have to sit through a lot of lengthy prose for a second time.

Rating – 4 out of 5.