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The Venus King Mysteries – The Mystery of the Plastic Bag. Chapter One.

17 Friday Apr 2020

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“Have you tried the mortgage advisory board?” Jude droned from behind the desk, occasionally glancing out the window at the sunshine beating down on the streets and the ice cream van rolling past with its tinny music blaring.

“I already tried,” Venus replied, rocking in the chair on the opposite side of the desk. “They fired me after I accused the manager of being an imposter and I pulled on his moustache.”

“What about driving lorries?”

“I suppose being on the road would be useful,” Venus said, rubbing her chin. “But no, it would be bad if a mystery were to occur and I was out of town.”

“Are there any jobs that you’re interested in?” Jude sighed, sinking even deeper into the chair which had become far too accustomed to the shape of her body. “Or any places in town which haven’t fired you yet?”

“It’s not my fault I keep on getting fired! I just can’t concentrate on the job when there’s a mystery to solve,” Venus said, taking her pipe out of her pocket and sucked on the mouthpiece, trying to look thoughtful and distant.

“You can’t smoke in here.”

“It’s alright; it’s made of liquorice,” Venus said, taking a bite to demonstrate. The taste made her gag a little, but it looked cool, which was the most important thing.

“If you don’t try and concentrate, you’ll never be able to hold down a job,” Jude said, holding her hands behind her head.

“It’s not that I don’t want a job,” Venus said, “it’s just that all the ones I do get aren’t… parallel to my interests.”

“And what are your interests?” Jude asked.

“I wish to solve the greatest mysteries which plague the town of Shuffleforth!” Venus said, leaping onto the desk, sending several papers flying and drawing stares from the other people around her. “Be they supernatural or the work of mankind, I, Venus King, will solve them all!”

“Except you need to be a qualified detective to solve crimes,” Jude said, pulling her most important papers away before Venus could leave boot prints on them. “And the supernatural… That’s not even a real job. I don’t have any listings for ‘supernatural detective’ in my database.”

“But that’s what I want to do with my life,” Venus said, finally jumping down from the desk and settling back into her seat. “I think that’s the only thing I could be really good at.”

“Have you ever solved any actual mysteries?” Jude asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well… I found out who was stealing all the newspapers from our street,” Venus answered, her eyes shifting slightly. “Turns out the paperboy was too lazy to deliver them all and was dumping them in the hedges behind the allotments. But isn’t there anything on that database? Anything at all?”

Jude sighed once more and took another long look through the list of jobs on her screen.

“How about this – Quidrealm. You know, the pound shop? They’ve been asking me to send them someone. And there was that girl who-”

“Yes, Madison Wilkinson. The plastic bag. I read all about it,” Venus said, sucking on her candy pipe again.

A few weeks ago, the police had found the body of a young woman named Madison Wilkinson hanging from a telephone post just outside of town. That was strange enough, but what nobody could figure out why she’d been holding a Quidrealm bag. It had been brand new, yet empty. Venus had tried her best to help the investigation, but they had pushed her away as they always did, saying something about how she ‘wasn’t qualified’ and ‘only got in the way’. Eventually the police had put it down to suicide and closed the case. But they’d never explained the plastic bag. It had been bothering Venus ever since.

“I’ll take the case!” Venus said, standing up triumphantly.

“It’s not a case; it’s a job,” Jude said. “But at least we finally found you one. Please try to keep this one for at least a few months.”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” Venus said, “I’ll give this case all the time it needs.”

She marched out of the job centre without so much as a thank you or a goodbye. Not that Jude minded. She was just glad that the girl was out of her hair. For a few days, at least. Until she lost her job again and wound up right back here.

Venus began scanning the manager’s office the moment she entered, searching for clues. The manager hadn’t seemed to notice during the interview, which Venus had aced thanks to her ‘extensive experience’ in retail. She just left out the fact that none of those jobs had lasted longer than six months.

“Well, you have enough experience. And we need somebody right away,” Kerri, the manager, said. “I’ve been short staffed the last few weeks since somebody left unexpectedly. And most of the ones the job centre send don’t last long.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen with me,” Venus said, hoping that her eyes weren’t shifting too much.

“That’s good to hear. Stick around here for long enough and you’ll go far here at Quidrealm. In five years’ time, you could be where I am right now,” Kerri said. Venus smiled and swallowed a lump in her throat, severely hoping that it wouldn’t happen.

Of course it wouldn’t, she told herself. She was a detective. A sleuth. An investigator of both the paranormal and more-or-less normal. That was her calling and her purpose in life. She wasn’t going to be stuck here.

She was taken to a back room and given a scratchy shirt and a badge which said ‘Xander’.

“We don’t have any Venuses,” Kerri said as she rifled through the box of badges, sporting the names of employees who had already left Quidrealm behind. A surprisingly large amount for a store which had only been open for seven years, Venus noticed. “You’ll have to wear this until we can get a new one.”

“Not a problem,” Venus said as she attached ‘Xander’ to her chest. The name on her badge didn’t matter much, anyway.

“You’ll have to do something about your hair,” Kerri said as she took her in with an upturned nose.

“What’s wrong with my hair?” Venus asked as she gripped one of the curls she’d been up half the night styling just for this interview. She took pride in her blonde locks and the Victorian style curls which were so important to her aesthetic.

“You have to wear it up.”

“Oh, of course,” Venus said, finding an old rubber band in her pocket left over from a previous failed retail job. “Because of the fresh fruit and vegetables.”

“We don’t sell those.”

“Then why-”

“Store policy,” Kerri answered. Her gaze remained fixed on Venus, still unsatisfied. “Don’t you have any proper shoes?”

“These… aren’t proper shoes?” Venus asked as she lifted one of her brown loafers, freshly polished.

“Uniform rules are black shoes only.”

“But aren’t I going to be behind the counter? Nobody will even see my shoes.”

“Wear black shoes from tomorrow,” Kerri answered, not waiting for any reply as she led Venus out the door.

So far so good, she thought. Despite her apparently inappropriate and highly illegal shoes. She’d passed the first trial and gotten through the gate. Now all she needed to do was find some more information.

“I heard about that girl who was found mur… dead with a Quidrealm bag in her hand,” Venus said as she followed Kerri through the back rooms.

“Yes,” Kerri said as she opened the door to the shop floor. It was mostly empty except for a small child pulling things out of their packages and leaving them on the floor. Neither Kerri or the child’s mother seemed to notice or remotely care. “That was terrible publicity for us. Sales went down two percent the week afterwards.”

“So how exactly did she come to have that bag in her hand?” Venus asked, reaching for the notebook and pen she always kept in her pocket. “Do you know what was in it?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kerri said sharply as they reached the cash registers. “You know how to use an electronic register, I assume?”

“Oh yes, I’ve used lots,” Venus said. She was about to launch into several more questions about Madison’s death but Kerri spoke first.

“Lavender here will show you what to do. If you need me, I’ll be in the office,” she said before walking abruptly back the way she’d come.

“Hi, I’m Lavender!” the woman behind the counter said. Taking a single look at her, it was clear the name suited her. She bore lavender eyeshadow, lavender lipstick, and bore a scent of cheap lavender perfume which made Venus cough a little. Her smile was impossibly large and she wore her tacky uniform as if she’d been born in it.

“Venus,” she introduced herself with a handshake. No lavender nail polish, she noticed with surprise. That must have been a store policy, too.

“Welcome to the Quidrealm family!”

“Family?”

“Yes, we’re all a family here. Just think of me as your mum.”

Venus didn’t want to tell her that she already had a mum, even one who didn’t support her sleuthing dreams and questioned why she couldn’t find a ‘nice normal’ job and move out. But she didn’t have time to argue back before Lavender was tugging her behind the register which was to be hers.

“Alright, let’s get you all set up and then you’ll be ready to serve the customers!” Lavender said as if they were preparing to put on a parade. She grinned through Lavender’s demonstration of how the electronic register worked – which Venus already knew – and the process of serving customers – which she was more than familiar with – then had her stand and watch as she served a few customers.

“Now you’re ready to serve customers of your own,” she said as if she’d just graduated from astronaut training and was about to go on the first mission to Mars.

It wasn’t that much different than any other retail job she’d ever worked. The customer didn’t have their money ready even after waiting in line for ten minutes, answered several phone calls, and left without so much of a ‘thank you’ with their single pack of gum. He did take the time to call her ‘Xander’ in a highly mocking tone, though.

“Easy,” Venus said with a smile.

“Oh dear, Venus. You forgot the most important thing of all,” Lavender said with a slightly flattened smile which might have been her equivalent of a frown.

“What?” Venus asked. “I smiled, I said ‘thank you’ and ‘have a nice day’. I even checked his ID for the energy drink he didn’t buy.”

“But you forgot all about the upselling,” Lavender said, sweeping a hand over the box of candy hotdogs next to the counter. “You must ask every customer who comes to your counter if they want any Sweetdogs today.”

“Why exactly?”

“So Quidrealm can earn more money, silly!”

“What happens if we don’t try to upsell these?”

“Then you don’t get a ranking on the leaderboard.”

“What happens if you’re at the top of the leaderboard?”

“It means you upsold the most for the week.”

“I know what it means, but what do you get? What’s the reward?”

“You get to be at the top of the leaderboard!”

Venus wanted to say more, but had a feeling that there wasn’t anything more to add. So, she turned to the next customer who had now arrived at her counter, and put on a practised fake smile.

“Welcome to Quidrealm!” she said as she reached into the customer’s basket.

“What do you mean ‘welcome’? I’ve been here for half an hour already,” the customer said, a large middle-aged woman with a face like a storm.

“I… sorry…” Venus said, trying to scan and bag her collection of discounted Easter chocolate, emoji pillows, and crisps which tasted like sandpaper. Finally bagging the last item, she caught Lavender’s enthusiastic smile and nod in the corner of her vision before she turned to the customer and asked. “Would you like any Sweetdogs today?”

“What?” the woman said, looking up from her smartphone as if she’d only just realised that Venus was there.

“Uh… Sweetdogs?” Venus asked, tapping the smiley hotdog on the back of the display box. How a candy hotdog could smile when it knew it was about to be eaten didn’t make sense to Venus, but then again she was a sleuth and not a marketing executive.

“Are they free?”

“Uh… no. They’re £1. Just like everything in the shop.”

“Why you asking me then?” the customer growled.

So much for upselling, Venus thought as she finished the transaction.

“That’s £33.10,” she read.

“What?” the customer said as if Venus had just insulted her entire family. “Why is it so expensive? I thought everything was a quid.”

“Well… you bought all the Easter chocolate and 14 bags of crisps,” Venus said. “And the plastic bags are 10p each.”

“10p for a plastic bag?”

“Yes. Plastic bags have cost that much for a while now. It’s because they’re not bio-degradable, so we want to encourage people not to use-”

“Fine, whatever!” the customer said, slamming her debit card in front of Venus, nearly denting the countertop.

“It’s contactless, madam,” Venus said, pointing to the card machine with a shaking hand.

“Well how the hell was I supposed to know that?” the customer grumbled as she made a big show of holding her card against the machine in the right direction. When it beeped and Venus’ screen recorded that the transaction had gone through, she breathed a sigh of relief. She was even more thankful when she heard the buzz of the printer spitting out the receipt and the customer picked up her heaving bags.

“Your receipt,” Venus said, handing the long stirp of paper to the customer.

“I don’t need that!” the customer said. “I thought you said you didn’t want to waste paper.”

Before Venus could say anything else, she left the store still muttering to herself. Venus turned to Lavender, who smiled back at her.

“I’m sure the next time will be better,” she said.

 

I’ve wanted to write a mystery story ever since watching A Series of Unfortunate Events, and this is a plot I thought of whilst I was bored at my previous retail job.

I was taking a break between the first and second drafts of a different novel and felt like writing something fun and lighthearted, and this is the result. I’d like to finish and publish it eventually, but until then I thought I’d post it here to see if anybody would like it. Let me know in the comments what you think and if you’d like to read more. Or sign up to my mailing list for updates.

My Top Five Favourite Pieces of Junk Food Media

06 Tuesday Aug 2019

Posted by in Blog, film, top 5 list, tv

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I enjoy a wide range of books, tv shows, and films. I also enjoy a wide variety of different types of food. Often the way we consume media is similar to the way we eat. There are days when we want to eat a fine gourmet meal or watch or read something deep and important. But there are also days when we’re tired or stressed and just want to stop at Burger King or watch a stupid movie. It isn’t the most nutritious food there is or the most intellectually stimulating entertainment to choose from, but it’s comforting and easy, and there are days when we need that. That’s why I call these types of books, shows, and films ‘junk food media’.

It’s not as if these works never deal with tough themes or have sadder moments. It’s just that they don’t make up the main bulk of the story, and there are always plenty of uplifting moments to get you through them.

These are my personal favourite junk food pieces of pop culture which never fail to cheer me up when I’m in a bad mood:

Cardcaptor Sakura

Not only is Sakura an adorable and perpetually cheerful little ball of funshine, the town she and her friends live in is essentially a utopia. The cast have an endless supply of lovely clothes, eat delicious dinners every night, and live in houses which are almost unaffordable in real-life Japan. Even most of the problems which Sakura faces are a mere apocalypse of mild peril (the threat in one episode was that their cakes were too sweet). Sakura and company do still go through the many perils of growing up and feeling their first heartbreak. The episodes dealing with Sakura’s dead mother are especially tear-jerking. Yet even while watching these moments, you always know they’re going to make it through, which is why the series is so endearing even over 20 years after its debut.

The Moomins

Yes, it’s basically the law that I have to include this on my list when I live in Finland. But there’s a reason why the show is so insanely popular in the country. Moominvalley is a throwback to a more rustic, relaxing time of countryside living. That and the cast of fun, quirky characters makes any variation of this massive franchise fun to watch. Again, there are sadder moments. The scene where Snufkin leaves for the winter could easily be symbolic of losing a loved one or having a friend move away (the author, Tove Jansson, seemingly based it upon her best friend fleeing the Nazis). My particular favourite is the UK-produced new version, mostly because it has prominent British comedians amongst the English cast, including Matt Berry as the voice of Moominpapa.

Friends

Maybe it’s because the show is ‘lifestyle porn’. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen it so many times that it is comfortable and familiar. Or maybe it just is that good. Whatever the reason, watching Friends feels like having coffee and cake in Central Perk. As much as I love the darker comedy of British shows or the more subtle humour of modern sit-coms, I will always have a soft spot for these cosy, found family, laugh-out-loud comedies.

Bee Movie

It’s a children’s film about bees suing the human race for using their honey, and is apparently full of political symbolism. And a woman leaves her boyfriend for a bee. I have no idea if the writers intended for this film to be taken seriously or if they knew how absurd their premise was and made it silly on purpose, knowing that nobody would ever take it seriously. Either way, the film is unapologetically stupid, nonsensical, and completely lacking in morals and I couldn’t love it more.

Mystery Science Theatre 3000

One of the reasons I love Bee Movie so much is that it’s so bad that it lends itself to making jokes about it as you watch – also known as ‘riffing’. MST3K invented this concept and is still going strong with it 30 years later (in fact, the show is only slightly older than I am). Not only is it hilarious to hear riffs on terrible old movies, but the skits by the hosts and bots are insanely fun. It almost feels as if you’d like to hang out on the Satellite of Love. Well, almost…

What are your favourite pieces of ‘junk food media’ that never fail to cheer you up on a bad day? Tell me in the comments below!

Crazy Fan Theory – Craggy Island is Hell

29 Wednesday May 2019

Posted by in Blog, crazy fan theory, musings, tv

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Father Ted is a British sitcom about a trio of Catholic priests and their tea-obsessed housekeeper living on a remote Irish island and is genuinely one of the funniest shows ever made. Even more than two decades after it was made, the show is still repeated, quoted, and referenced by new generations of fans, and the entire series is now on Youtube.

It is clear that the reason why the priests have been forced to the most remote parish in Ireland is as a punishment; Jack for being a perv, Dougal for possibly killing an entire busload of nuns, and Ted for embezzling money meant for a sick child. But my theory is that Craggy Island isn’t simply a punishment given to Ted by Bishop Brennon, but by God himself.

The Theory

Embezzlement may be a terrible crime, but it’s not exactly on the same level of evil as Hitler, Trump, or people who play loud music all night after a hockey game (yes, I’m bitter…). In fact, in many episodes, Ted is the only reasonable or brave person, such as when he climbs onto the wheel of a plane to fix the fuel line, saves Dougal from the bomb on the milk float, or rescues eight priests from the lingerie section (trust me, all of those make sense if you’ve watched the show). It’s not exactly the type of punishment which justifies demons sticking red hot pokers up your arse for all eternity. But perhaps God made Craggy Island as a punishment fitting for the crime – a hell made especially for Ted.

‘It’s Ireland’s biggest lingerie section, I understand.’

Ted is clearly miserable on Craggy Island and would much rather be partying it up in Las Vegas than putting up with the island resident’s daily weirdness. Yet despite his crimes, he is still a devout Catholic and probably does still believe that he will go to heaven when he dies. That thought is probably the only thing which keeps him going on Craggy Island.

Yet God has set up the punishment in a way in which Ted doesn’t even realise that he is dead and in his own personal Hell. When you think about it, believing you will eventually have the relief of heaven then never getting it is in many ways a much worse punishment than the demons and the red-hot pokers.

The Evidence

True there are many people in reality who are just as weird as the characters on the show, and remote places which are that backwards. Yet the general wackiness of Craggy Island and the people around Ted could prove that the entire place has been set up to punish Ted. There’s the Chinatown which appears as if from nowhere, the rabbit plague, and Jack’s hairy hands. Even characters such as Father Stone could really be demons sent to punish Ted further. Why else would anyone want to live on, or even visit, Craggy Island?

Is Father Stone a demon sent to torment Ted? Or is he just that boring?

Every single time Ted gets a shot at something good or a way off the island, it is ruined in one way or another. When he falls in love with a beautiful novelist, she decides to become a nun. When he’s set to inherit a fortune from Father Jack, he mysteriously comes back to life. Even when he wins the Golden Cleric award, the victory is short lived.

The final episode of the series even sees Ted finally getting a chance to move to a new parish in Beverly Hills and live his dream, only to quit when he finds out it’s a parish rife with gun violence and gangs. The final scene of the series shows him glumly realising he will be stuck on Craggy Island with Jack, Dougal, and Mrs Doyle ‘forever and ever and ever and ever.’

What greater punishment could there be?

Why Your Stories Should be Fun

23 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by in author, Blog, Common Criticism, criticism, story, writing, writing advice

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If you’ve ever heard or read stories written for a creative writing workshop, or judged a writing contest, you’ll likely have seen a similarity amongst almost all of them – They all tend to be dark, gloomy, and depressing. This is because many people who are just starting out as writers have an idea that for writing to be good, it has to be serious and at least give the illusion of being deep. Or at least, they think that this is the only type of writing which will get them recognition from writing teachers and contest judges. And considering the amount of MFA teachers and literary contest judges which support this way of thinking, they’re not wrong.

Even professionals seem to be believing this to some extent, given the huge increase in the amount of ‘dark and gritty’ tv shows, movies, and books which have come out ever since Game of Thrones became the most popular show on television.

I believed the same thing for a long time during my early writing days. My first novel was a YA fantasy story, yet it was still about as angst-ridden as they come. A lot of it was a reaction to a bad period of my life, and expressing it creatively did help me a lot at the time. Yet once I ditched the angsty novel and started writing one with a more light-hearted and comedic bent, I started to enjoy writing much more. It’s also been surprisingly beneficial to my mental health as well.

When should stories be dark?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not immedietly turned off by a story just because it’s dark or has a sad ending. I just finished binge-watching You which is insanely creepy and has a sad ending, yet it has still made me want to read the book it was adapted from. The essence of drama does come from characters suffering, after all. Authors who have been through bad situations, or have relatives or ancestors who have, often need to record their experiences in the form of fiction as a form of both personal therapy and preservation.

What I’m trying to get at is that while these stories may be good, they may be popular, and they may win awards, it doesn’t mean that every single story needs to be the same, as so many Hollywood producers seem to assume. Just because a story can be dark, that doesn’t mean it has to be.

Game of Thrones works as a dark story because intended it as a subversion of the noble-bright nature of classic fantasy stories such as Lord of the Rings. You works as a dark story because it is a reflection of the far too prevalent real world phenomenon of women being stalked and harassed by ‘nice guys’.

There are certain types of stories which should deal with serious issues, and other types which should exist simply to cheer up audiences. When you come home from a tough day at work, you are much more likely to turn on a light-hearted comedy than a gritty realistic drama, because in that situation, you need the comedy. In many ways, this makes a story more memorable and more likely that the viewer will want to watch more, or re-watch the show.

Fiction is primarily a form of escapism, both for audiences and authors. So, they absolutely should read about characters struggling through and overcoming difficult situations. But if all readers see is characters constantly dying or giving into despair with no hope, they aren’t going to be caught up in the escapism.

Light and dark

Light does not necessarily have to mean the complete absence of dark. Even stories which are classed as comedies or are made for children can still delve into serious issues, often using humour to soften the blow. In many ways, these are my favourite types of stories, and I admire authors who can deal with these more sensitive issues while still retaining a comedic bend. A Series of Unfortunate Events is intentionally dark and outright points out in the narration that nothing is ever going to go right for the child protagonists. Yet audiences stay hooked because both the show and books make such good use of dark humour. You can see the same thing in many other works. My Little Pony had an episode about cults. Recess had an episode about psychological torture. Do I even need to mention the number of deaths in Disney movies?

Writing such stories is a positive experience, but that definitely doesn’t make it an easy one. Comedy isn’t nearly as easy to write as people assume it to be. I still have days when I’m so frustrated with my story that I need to take a step back from it to de-stress myself.

Remember what your story is

If you do like writing dark stories or want to impress a contest judge or your MFA teacher with a serious story, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t think it’s the only thing which makes you a writer. Stories are intended to be entertaining and entertainment is supposed to be fun, not depressing. Whether it’s a concert, a television show, or a sports game, entertainment is designed to give people a good time. There is no reason why your stories shouldn’t be the same way.

Why is Fantasy Obsessed With Royalty?

22 Friday Feb 2019

Posted by in author, Blog, Common Criticism, criticism, culture, dumbass in distress, fairy tale, fantasy, musings, romance, story, writing

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If you polled fantasy readers on the most overdone tropes in fantasy fiction, chances are that most of them will name something like ‘the rebellious princess’ or ‘the stableboy who becomes king’ or any of the other numerous royalty tropes which frequently appear in fantasy. Yet it doesn’t stop fantasy authors from churning out a constant stream of books about royals, or readers from consuming them. It has reached the point that members of a royal family have almost become the go-to cast for a fantasy novel, and sometimes it can be difficult to find a fantasy book which doesn’t feature a member of the monarchy in some form. If royals are such an overdone fantasy cliché, why are we still so obsessed with them?


Photo by King’s Church International on Unsplash

…And they lived happily ever after

It all goes back to where modern-day fantasy spawned from – fairy tales. The standard fairy tale plot is a princess gets captured or imprisoned, a hero shows up out of nowhere to save her, and he is rewarded with the princess’ hand in marriage and half the kingdom.

They may be old and horribly outdated much of the time, yet they are still the stories we are told as children, whether it is through bedtime stories or Disney movies. This teaches us from a young and impressionable age that being a Princess is something special and desirable and that a Prince is ideal marriage material.


Photo by Susanne Jutzeler from Pexels

The real-life fairy tale

This also explains why society is so obsessed with royalty in real life, despite several dark periods of history making royalty almost entirely obsolete in modern times. We’re well aware that modern monarchs are only figureheads with no real power anymore. Most of us are also aware that they’re living comfortable lives which none of us can ever hope for. Yet that didn’t stop tens of thousands of people from descending on London last year to watch the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle in Windsor Castle, or thousands more from watching it live on television. They have what we’ve been taught to desire, but instead of feeling jealous, we adore them for it.

Escape into fantasy

Time Magazine explains that our obsession with real life royals is a parasocial relationship, similar to our relationships with our favourite fictional characters. We form one-sided relationships and become invested in the drama and stories of their lives without actually interacting with them or having them directly impact our lives in any meaningful way.

Whether they are real life or fictional, royals provide us with a necessary means of escapism. The British people don’t care that the royal family are costing them money at a time when their financial and political future is uncertain. They ignore the fact that high expectations and constant media bombardment probably make the life of a royal more stressful than it appears in pictures. They prefer to think about the dresses and parties and the smiling faces they see in the newspaper.

Carfax2 / WikiCommons

Fantasy is one of the prime forms of escapist fiction, and what could be more escapist than picturing yourself as the beautiful princess living in a fairy tale castle and falling in love with the handsome prince? Even the old fairy tales provided an escapist fantasy for regular people to envision themselves rising above their stations and becoming royalty.

Prawny / Pixabay

In reality, being a public figurehead would be incredibly stressful, a castle would be cold and drafty to live in, and falling in love at first sight with a prince you barely know probably wouldn’t work out in the long term. Yet even knowing all this, it’s still much nicer to just think about the happily ever after.

The media cycle

Media outlets know that royalty is used as a form of escapism and that they can use this obsession to increase their sales. Being fed a constant stream of articles, images, and news pieces about royals keeps them in our collective consciousness and keeps people buying newspapers or clicking on news websites. Disney keeps on making movies about princesses because they are fully aware that they will sell more toys and more trips to Disneyworld. Similarly, publishers keep putting out book after book featuring royals because they know that as overdone as it is, readers will keep buying them, and the publishing cycle will continue.

Updating a tale as old as time

Yet a constant stream of books about royalty doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, or a sign of an unoriginal writer. Our knowledge of royalty also comes from history and folklore. Historically, a king was much more of an ‘everyman’ and representative of the people with a lot more say in the management and safety of his kingdom. This makes royals ideal protagonists for fantasy fiction based upon a historical setting, since they will need to make decisions which affect their entire kingdom. It provides more leverage for everybody’s favourite trope, the forbidden romance, with the royal finding a way to marry for love rather than political reasons. If you look closely enough at history, you’ll find that there are many more obscure royals or little-told-stories which would make for great fantasy books.

There are a multitude of creative ways that modern readers can use royalty to subvert the old tropes and put a fresh spin on them to attract more readers. This is why we are seeing more stories about overweight princesses, transgender princes, or royals from cultures which aren’t quasi-European. The beautiful princess and the handsome prince are still good starting points for writers, but it is up to them what to do with these old favourites.

Recommended fantasy books about royalty:

The Icemark Chronicles by Stuart Hill

The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Pegasus by Robin McKinley

8 Reasons Why Casual Fandom is the Best

18 Monday Feb 2019

Posted by in Blog, fandom, musings, story

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I’m happy to call myself a nerd and a fangirl, and it makes up a large part of my leisure time, and even my work. But fandom is a double-edged sword, and there will always be bad sides to it. A small portion of fans can easily ruin the entire fandom for everyone involved. This is why I often find that being a casual fan is better than being a hardcore fan. Here are a few reasons why:

  1. Avoiding fandom drama

Fandom is something that participants are supposed to enjoy together, yet fans seem fit to fill it with shipping wars, arguments, and overall drama over what is supposed to be fun entertainment. Casual fandom means you can continue to enjoy the work but let all this drama go on in the background.

2. No disappointment

Let’s face it, sometimes even our favourite ongoing stories take a turn for the worse. Characters fail to grow, the plot doesn’t go the way you hoped, or the network executives stick their noses in and ruin everything. This can cause rage amongst the hardcore fans for ruining something which means so much to them. But if you’re only a casual fan, you can simply say ‘that sucks’ and move onto a better story.

3. Not looking crazy

There are always a few fans whose actions make the entire fanbase as a whole look bad by association. For instance, the chaos of the mishandled Rick and Morty Szechuan sauce promotion was really only the work of a few crazy fans. Yet their actions were so insane and received so much bad publicity that it made every Rick and Morty look bad, which they definitely didn’t deserve. If you can say ‘I like that show’ and not ‘I’m a huge fan’, you will come across a little easier and avoid this bad reputation.

4. Stay away from the fandom police

Some fans care so much about their favourite work that they become almost militaristic in their devotion to it and police the rest of the fandom in the ‘right’ way to do things. They will jump down your throat for forgetting an obscure piece of trivia or call you out for a headcanon they don’t agree with. It’s hard to avoid these fans entirely, but remaining a casual fan does mean you can generally stay off their radar, and avoid their wrath.

5. Accept the good with the bad

No story is entirely perfect. They all have strengths and weaknesses. But tell an obsessive fan that and you will open up a can of worms. Some fans can become so obsessed with their favourite work that they outright refuse to acknowledge any of its legitimate flaws, often turning into the militaristic fan to deny them. By remaining a casual fan and looking at the work objectively, you can accept these flaws along with the strengths, and use them to improve your own writing or find more works that you enjoy.

6. Avoid spoilers

There’s nothing worse as a hardcore fan than accidently reading a major spoiler, or even having some dick spoil it for you. Yet while you are spending weeks, or even months, getting through a longer series, it can be tempting to peek into the social media tags or check out the TV Tropes page and accidently see a spoiler without meaning to. Casual fandom helps you to avoid this temptation and enjoy the big twists as the author indented.

7. Save your money

You’d be surprised how expensive fandom can be. When your favourite characters are plastered on t-shirts, toys, and posters, it’s difficult to avoid the temptation, even when you look into your empty wallet and weep. As a casual fan, you may buy the occasional shirt or mug, but otherwise your wallet will remain healthy.

8. Enjoy a range of interests

There’s nothing wrong with being passionate about your favourite story, yet some people seem to become so obsessed with a singular work that it almost consumes their entire identity. For me, fandom is a big part of my life, but it’s still only one thing I do. Staying in several different fandoms also allows me to enjoy a wide range of different stories, genres, and mediums. One day I might be binge watching an old cartoon and the next I’ll be riffing on a dumb movie. It gives me a wide range of interests and lots of inspiration for my own stories.

Crazy Fan Theory – Imaginary Friends

20 Thursday Sep 2018

Posted by in Blog, Common Criticism, crazy fan theory, musings, tv

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Friends was the quintessential 90s sitcom about a group of inseparable pals struggling through their 20s and 30s together. Some parts of the show haven’t aged particularly well (there are seriously so many homophobic jokes), but I still regularly give it a binge watch for the nostalgic value and the hilarious performances (plus that one episode about porn which was banned from Channel Four back in the day).

Too hot for Channel Four

One common complaint is how unrealistically the show portrayed life in New York City for a bunch of nearly-broke 20-somethings. Despite spending most of their day at the coffee house instead of their jobs, the Friends still somehow had huge apartments, nice clothes, and enough money to go on impromptu trips whenever they felt like it.

People in their 20s can easily afford last-minute trips abroad

Much of this was for practical reasons, such as the apartments needing to be big to move the cameras around. The rest you can pass off as indulging the viewer’s fantasies, something which I once heard somebody describe as ‘lifestyle porn’. We watched the show, and still watch it 20 years later, because we like to imagine ourselves having posh apartments in a glamorous city with dream jobs we somehow never have to actually go to and a group of friends who will always support us.

But what if the show wasn’t just a fantasy for the viewer? What if the reason why the Friend’s lives were so unreasonably perfect is because they were never real in the first place?

The Friends Asylum Theory

One theory I’ve seen floating around is that the entire show was actually set in a mental health institution and the Friends were really inmates either delusional or in-denial about where they really were. This would explain a lot of things like the lack of work hours, the fact they were together practically 24/7, and the characters like Gunther who existed only to take care of them (why else would Gunther work a minimum wage job in a coffee shop for ten years pre-recession?). Delusional thinking is common amongst mental health patients and people who have experienced trauma, so it makes sense that the Friends created a shared fantasy life to deal with this and their real lives in the asylum.

Each of the Friends displayed symptoms of a serious mental health condition which on the show were simply played off as adorable quirks. Rachel exhibited narcissistic and sociopathic behaviour. Monica clearly had OCD and an eating disorder. Phoebe was implied to have magical powers which were more likely symptoms of schizophrenia. Joey was addicted to both food and sex and was incredibly child-like. Chandler outright admitted to using his sarcastic humour to mask his childhood trauma. Ross’ abandonment and anger issues were so bad that he had an actual mental breakdown on the show (which again was played entirely for laughs). Even many of the secondary and one-off characters could actually have bene asylum patients (Ugly Naked Guy, Ross’ girlfriend who shaved her head, the ‘singing guy’ in the next building, etc).

Was Ugly Naked Guy an asylum patient all along?

The Friends Fantasy Life

You can take this theory even further and suggest that the entire show isn’t just set in an asylum, but entirely in the head of one of the characters. Phoebe is a regular target for this theory. Somebody on Twitter once suggested that she is actually a homeless drug addict staring at a group of five friends through the window of a coffee shop and imagining that she is one of them. Her twin sister Ursula is just her reflection and the quirky hipster songs she performs at Central Perk are really just her caterwauling on the streets for change.

You’ll never hear ‘Smelly Cat’ the same way ever again.

If you think about it hard enough, the entire show could be the idealised fantasy lifestyle of any one of the characters. Monica liked things to be clean, organised, and perfect so she could have fantased that her tiny, dirty New York apartment was actually a personal pleasure palace. Rachel may have actually married Barry in the first episode and was imagining what her life could have been like while in reality she was stuck in a horrible marriage. Joey could have been picturing how his struggles as an unemployed actor would eventually end. Ross was actually a massive douche canoe in retrospect (there have been A LOT of articles written about this) so maybe the show is his Nice Guy fantasy about Rachel falling hopelessly in love with him. Or maybe Chandler…actually I don’t want to get into what could be going on in Chandler’s head.

What do you think of this theory? Have I taken it too far and ruined the show forever for you? Am I the only one who really wants a modern-day remake of Friends with Joey and Phoebe as the main couple? Tell me your thoughts in the comments below!

Are We Over-Analysing Stories?

08 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by in author, Blog, book review, criticism, culture, film, film review, musings, story, writing

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An analysis on both the shortcomings and successes of capitalism and the disillusionment of a capitalist society and aversion to manual labour, the exploited proletariat, and the realities of Marxist socialism. With references to Ayn Rand, Soviet propaganda, and Bernard Manderville. That’s Wisecrack’s view of Bee Movie, anyway. To me it’s just a so-bad-it’s-good failed Jerry Seinfeld animated children’s film about bees that I watch when I’m drunk.

Also a woman fell in love with a bee

Why analyse stories?

I like most writers gained an interest in the field through English literature classes at school. I was encouraged to analyse and critique books, and later films at university, and never stopped. There’s nothing wrong with this as it’s both enjoyable and an essential part of being a writer. How can you hope to write well if you don’t know the elements of good storytelling?

There’s not even anything wrong with making analysis part of fandom activity. Often the most loyal fans are the most critical since they pay closer attention to the work. And being aware of the flaws in a piece of fiction doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy it. I could write essays about what is wrong with Tolkien’s books and the film adaptations, but I could also write twice as much on everything great about them.

I have a lot to say about Legolas’ mullet

The critic problem

Being so obsessed with stories has naturally led me to making extra money by writing book reviews, and occasionally posting reviews on this blog. The general structure of a review which was given to me by the editor is supposed to be:

  • The general plot of the novel
  • What works and doesn’t work about it
  • Who would enjoy the book and who should avoid it

In my spare time I enjoy watching reviews and video essays on Youtube. I even enjoy Wisecrack’s series of philosophy and deeper meaning videos, since it puts a lot of my favourite stories in an entirely new context that I never noticed before. Some online critics have even turned critiquing into an artform in itself, by making their videos both informative and funny. Tony Goldmark, who reviews theme parks on his show ‘Some Jerk With a Camera’ is my favourite reviewer since he uses his background in comedy music to make his videos half review and half comedy sketch show.

But even the critics I used to enjoy are deviating away from the formula that I obey strictly, something which was made even clearer during the recent Change the Channel fiasco. I’m not alone in feeling that some professional critics are getting a little too invested in what is supposed to be just entertainment and angry over what they deem as subpar. I understand that they care deeply about maintaining a high standard of quality in the industry. Yet even as a writer and part-time critic myself, sometimes I just want to scream at them ‘it’s only a story! Get over yourself. It’s not worth getting this angry’.

The rise in popularity of Youtube channels such as Cinema Sins has also created the idea that we need to nitpick every tiny detail of a work of fiction and that anything less than perfect is worthless. Yet nobody in history has ever created anything completely perfect (except for my parents when they made me!). Just look at their critique on Ratatouille. Did you even notice half of the ‘sins’ they bring up? Did it ruin your enjoyment of the film? Probably not. You were probably just paying attention to the story, characters, and great comedy, not minor continuity errors that nobody cares about.

Obsessively critical attitudes like this are part of the reason why people seem to be becoming more cynical and judgemental about media today and may even be putting off great artists from creating the things they love. Nitpicking is neither good criticism nor good entertainment. That’s why nobody wants to hang out with the person who teases you for every little thing.

The ‘wrong’ perspective

This can happen in English literature classes too. True most authors do write for their love of the craft, and with the average pay for writers being so low that’s the only real reason people should write. But what they don’t teach you at school is that more often than we’d like to admit, if you ask a writer the real meaning behind their work, they’ll answer ‘because I needed the money’ or ‘that’s the only way I could get the story to work’.

We tend to view Shakespeare’s plays as the height of sophistication which people quote to sound smart (I know I do). Yet we forget that at the time they were written, they were seen as populist entertainment, the same way that soap operas and sitcoms are generally viewed today. If you analyse them deep enough, you will find lots of bawdy humour, black comedy, and words Shakespeare made up just to suit the scene (did you know he invented the word ‘elbow’?). Some even theorise that he had to write his plays a certain way to entertain royals, not because he wanted to bore school children hundreds of years later.

This is happening even to more contemporary authors. Right up to his death, Ray Bradbury had people arguing to his face that his novel Fahrenheit 451 is about censorship, not a commentary on television like he intended.

I suppose having your work mis-interpreted is one of the risks of being an author. Then again, the entire point of literature, in my opinion at least, is that each reader is allowed to interpret it the way that they want. And if thousands of people view Farenheit 451 as a critique on censorship then there’s nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with telling the guy who wrote the book that his own interpretation is incorrect and that theirs is the only right one.

Analyse at your own will

It is enjoyable to look for the meaning and symbolism in fiction and to write it into your own stories. But I’m against the idea that all stories need to be layered in symbolism or have a deep and important message. Stories can be read and written just for fun, not because we want to play a game of ‘spot the symbolism’. Some stories can just be about an exciting adventure or two people falling in love, not a veiled essay on the Irish potato famine.

Maybe Bee Movie is a genius deconstruction of capitalism. Or maybe it’s a dumb animated movie about bees which is fun to riff on with friends. At the end of the day the only thing that really matter is what you thought of it.

Crazy fan theories – When will Arthur return?

29 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Blog, crazy fan theory, fantasy, merlin, story, tv

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Warning – Major spoilers for the ending of Merlin (BBC series)

Welcome to a new section of my blog called Crazy Fan Theories. Here I will be sharing bizarre headcanons I have developed for my favourite pieces of pop culture and examining existing fan theories. I’m going to start off with one of my favourite tv shows- the BBC series Merlin– and one of the ongoing questions which fans have been asking since the show ended in 2012.

When will Arthur return?

Like all Arthurian legends, the show had a tragic ending. In the final episode, Arthur succumbed to war injuries and died in Merlin’s arms. Merlin gave him a Viking funeral to send him to the Isle of Avalon to await the predestined day that Arthur will return when Albion needs him most.

Plus he had to drag the body there himself

The show’s final scene is an epilogue of sorts in which we see Merlin as an old man in the modern-day walking past the Isle of Avalon, still keeping watch over it and awaiting Arthur’s return. Supposedly he has been waiting for over 1,000 years at this point, long after everyone he ever loved has died.

Good old family entertainment from the BBC

The more you think about it, the sadder it becomes. The entire series was focused upon Merlin restoring the ‘golden age of magic’ and ending Camelot’s persecution of magic users. Yet many fans felt cheated that they never got to see this happen. It becomes even sadder when you consider Britain’s long history of witch burnings and the fact that witchcraft didn’t become legal in the UK until 1951. Even today, neo-pagan religions such as Wicca and Druidism are incredibly obscure and are generally treated as strange and suspicious. The last time I checked, the UK isn’t full of magical creatures such as dragons and unicorns either, so all that trouble Merlin went through to save the last dragon egg was completely pointless.

Completely pointless baby dragon

So Merlin has basically failed in his lifelong quest of restoring magic, but he can still await Arthur, right? Except that Albion doesn’t need the two of them anymore. Despite what fearmongering tabloids will tell you, the UK, and the western world in general, is better and safer than it ever has been in history (so I really don’t know what I’m constantly complaining about…). Not that everything is great for everyone but people in the UK now live longer, have easy access to all necessities, and can freely practice magic (even if it isn’t the glowy eyes kind from the tv show). This article on Ranker points out that even people in the UK working minimum wage jobs still generally have more freedom and a better quality of life than Arthur had as a king in the Anglo-Saxon period. They aren’t being forced to marry their cousins at the age of 12, they aren’t at risk from dying from something as simple as an ear infection, and they don’t have to live in drafty stone castles. They also aren’t constantly at risk from invading armies or the occasional griffin attack.

Apparently this just used to happen all the time

But if modern-day Albion is doing so well, does that mean that Arthur will never need to come back? Will Merlin wait forever for a day that will never come? Or perhaps this golden age was possible because Arthur has already returned.

Arthur’s real return

Albion has seen a lot of war and strife in the thousand or so years since Arthur’s death, but not even those were enough to warrant Arthur’s return. The one time in this turbulent history when the people of Albion were in the most danger, when they needed Arthur more than ever, was during the blitz from 1940 to 1941. In all the wars in British history, this was the only time that civilians were in constant danger of attack. An estimated 43,000 civilians were killed during this short time and endless buildings were destroyed, taking decades to be restored.

Destruction during the blitz

It makes sense that this would be the time when Arthur returned from Avalon to defend the people of Albion with Merlin’s help. With 1,000 years to think it over, he would have come to terms with witchcraft and fighting alongside a wizard as well. Perhaps he took on a new persona as an army figurehead and might have even become a politician after the war. The timing of this coincides nicely with the repeal of the Witchcraft Act in 1951 and the emergence of neopagan religions in subsequent decades. Perhaps Arthur and Merlin were covertly working to gradually restore the Old Religion to Albion and accomplish what they weren’t able to in the age of Camelot. If anything they beat their predestined expectations since paganism is now more popular than ever and practised throughout the world.

Modern day druids at Stonehenge (which was built by Merlin, btw)

When we see Merlin as an old man in the final scene, it isn’t because he is an immortal stuck in that form forever. After Arthur returned to save Albion and their destiny was fulfilled, both of them were free to live their lives however they wanted and Merlin finally started to age naturally. By 2012, Arthur had passed away from old age after a long and fulfilling life. Old Merlin is not waiting for Arthur’s return – he’s waiting the day when he can finally move on to join Arthur and all of his loved ones in Avalon. They may not have been completely successful in restoring the old ways, but they can still rest knowing that magic users are safe from persecution and Albion will be just fine without them.

 

What do you think of my headcanon? What’s your crazy Merlin fan theory? Tell me in the comments below!

Why I love fairy tales (but I hate fairy stories)

08 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in anime, Blog, criticism, fairy tale, fantasy, musings, villain, writing

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I love fairy tales and love writing stories adapting or subverting their tropes. But one thing you will never find me writing is stories about fairies, or even featuring fairies, because personally I can’t stand them and have no interest in writing about them.

If this may seem odd, consider the difference between a fairy tale and a fairy story. In his essay On Fairy Tales, J.R.R Tolkien defined a fairy tale as a story dealing with the land of faery and mankind’s relationship with it. They often work as cautionary tales about wandering into the realm of the fae and not being able to return to the ‘real’ world.

‘Faery’ is a fairly broad term but it generally refers to what ancient cultures believed was a world parallel to but connected to our own filled with other-worldly creatures. Fairies were one such creature, but not the only ones which were said to inhabit it.


By contrast, Tolkien defined fantasy as something set in an entirely invented world, like his own Middle Earth. More authors are making subversions by returning to the fae variety, but what we now call fairies tend to be creatures of fantasy rather than mythology. They tend to be small, humanoid beings, usually with wings and some form of magical powers.


The reason these fairies never resonated with me is because each interpretation tends to fall into one of these categories:

1. Too generic. It’s difficult for me to love any fantasy creature if the author doesn’t do at least something new with it.
2. Too girly. Not that I’m against girly (I’m a big fan of My Little Pony) but so many writers try to make their fairies too saccharine and sweet, which makes me feel like they just vomited glitter all over the page.
3. Too bitchy. I guess this is supposed to be a subversion of the girly variety, but it tends to come across to me as making them overly mean for no real reason.

This doesn’t mean that I hate all stories with fairies, however. I like the weather fairies in A Tiny Snow Fairy Sugar and the sweets spirits in Yumeiro Pâtissière since despite being overly cutsy, they were still different than the standard fare and their story arcs were just as strong and significant as those of their human friends.


By far my favourite fairies in any form of fiction were the three good fairies – Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather – in Disney’s version of Sleeping Beauty. This is because they were well-rounded, funny, and interesting characters, in fact they were far more heroic than the incredibly bland and useless titular character.


While their magical powers were fairly generic and the film does rely upon incredibly black and white ideas of good and evil, the three of them avoided being either too girly or too bitchy by becoming developed characters rather than fairy archetypes. They had positive and negative qualities, they created some of the best comedy that’s ever been seen in a Disney film, they were loving to Aurora despite her complete lack of a personality, and when the time came to it they were completely badass. Really, the King and Queen should have given control of the kingdom to them at the end, since they were the only ones who had any sense (destroying all the spinning wheels in the kingdom both destroyed the economy and left everyone naked, your majesty).

The villainess Maleficent is also technically a fairy (which is why the re-make made her more like the fae variety) but also greatly different than most ‘bad’ fairies in fiction. True her motivation is for incredibly petty reasons, only because she wasn’t invited to a party, but she is still one of the most memorable villains that Disney has ever made. Even sixty years later, she is still the benchmark against which all other animated villains are measured. The strong characterisation of both the good and evil fairies is what makes Sleeping Beauty into both a fairy tale and a good story about fairies.


What are your thoughts on fairy tales and fairy stories? What are your favourite and least favourite fictional fairies? Tell me in the comments below!