Author Archives: Jessica Wood

Crazy Fan Theory – Craggy Island is Hell

29 Wednesday May 2019

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Father Ted is a British sitcom about a trio of Catholic priests and their tea-obsessed housekeeper living on a remote Irish island and is genuinely one of the funniest shows ever made. Even more than two decades after it was made, the show is still repeated, quoted, and referenced by new generations of fans, and the entire series is now on Youtube.

It is clear that the reason why the priests have been forced to the most remote parish in Ireland is as a punishment; Jack for being a perv, Dougal for possibly killing an entire busload of nuns, and Ted for embezzling money meant for a sick child. But my theory is that Craggy Island isn’t simply a punishment given to Ted by Bishop Brennon, but by God himself.

The Theory

Embezzlement may be a terrible crime, but it’s not exactly on the same level of evil as Hitler, Trump, or people who play loud music all night after a hockey game (yes, I’m bitter…). In fact, in many episodes, Ted is the only reasonable or brave person, such as when he climbs onto the wheel of a plane to fix the fuel line, saves Dougal from the bomb on the milk float, or rescues eight priests from the lingerie section (trust me, all of those make sense if you’ve watched the show). It’s not exactly the type of punishment which justifies demons sticking red hot pokers up your arse for all eternity. But perhaps God made Craggy Island as a punishment fitting for the crime – a hell made especially for Ted.

‘It’s Ireland’s biggest lingerie section, I understand.’

Ted is clearly miserable on Craggy Island and would much rather be partying it up in Las Vegas than putting up with the island resident’s daily weirdness. Yet despite his crimes, he is still a devout Catholic and probably does still believe that he will go to heaven when he dies. That thought is probably the only thing which keeps him going on Craggy Island.

Yet God has set up the punishment in a way in which Ted doesn’t even realise that he is dead and in his own personal Hell. When you think about it, believing you will eventually have the relief of heaven then never getting it is in many ways a much worse punishment than the demons and the red-hot pokers.

The Evidence

True there are many people in reality who are just as weird as the characters on the show, and remote places which are that backwards. Yet the general wackiness of Craggy Island and the people around Ted could prove that the entire place has been set up to punish Ted. There’s the Chinatown which appears as if from nowhere, the rabbit plague, and Jack’s hairy hands. Even characters such as Father Stone could really be demons sent to punish Ted further. Why else would anyone want to live on, or even visit, Craggy Island?

Is Father Stone a demon sent to torment Ted? Or is he just that boring?

Every single time Ted gets a shot at something good or a way off the island, it is ruined in one way or another. When he falls in love with a beautiful novelist, she decides to become a nun. When he’s set to inherit a fortune from Father Jack, he mysteriously comes back to life. Even when he wins the Golden Cleric award, the victory is short lived.

The final episode of the series even sees Ted finally getting a chance to move to a new parish in Beverly Hills and live his dream, only to quit when he finds out it’s a parish rife with gun violence and gangs. The final scene of the series shows him glumly realising he will be stuck on Craggy Island with Jack, Dougal, and Mrs Doyle ‘forever and ever and ever and ever.’

What greater punishment could there be?

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Why Your Stories Should be Fun

23 Tuesday Apr 2019

Posted by in author, Common Criticism, criticism, story, writing, writing advice

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If you’ve ever heard or read stories written for a creative writing workshop, or judged a writing contest, you’ll likely have seen a similarity amongst almost all of them – They all tend to be dark, gloomy, and depressing. This is because many people who are just starting out as writers have an idea that for writing to be good, it has to be serious and at least give the illusion of being deep. Or at least, they think that this is the only type of writing which will get them recognition from writing teachers and contest judges. And considering the amount of MFA teachers and literary contest judges which support this way of thinking, they’re not wrong.

Even professionals seem to be believing this to some extent, given the huge increase in the amount of ‘dark and gritty’ tv shows, movies, and books which have come out ever since Game of Thrones became the most popular show on television.

I believed the same thing for a long time during my early writing days. My first novel was a YA fantasy story, yet it was still about as angst-ridden as they come. A lot of it was a reaction to a bad period of my life, and expressing it creatively did help me a lot at the time. Yet once I ditched the angsty novel and started writing one with a more light-hearted and comedic bent, I started to enjoy writing much more. It’s also been surprisingly beneficial to my mental health as well.

When should stories be dark?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not immedietly turned off by a story just because it’s dark or has a sad ending. I just finished binge-watching You which is insanely creepy and has a sad ending, yet it has still made me want to read the book it was adapted from. The essence of drama does come from characters suffering, after all. Authors who have been through bad situations, or have relatives or ancestors who have, often need to record their experiences in the form of fiction as a form of both personal therapy and preservation.

What I’m trying to get at is that while these stories may be good, they may be popular, and they may win awards, it doesn’t mean that every single story needs to be the same, as so many Hollywood producers seem to assume. Just because a story can be dark, that doesn’t mean it has to be.

Game of Thrones works as a dark story because intended it as a subversion of the noble-bright nature of classic fantasy stories such as Lord of the Rings. You works as a dark story because it is a reflection of the far too prevalent real world phenomenon of women being stalked and harassed by ‘nice guys’.

There are certain types of stories which should deal with serious issues, and other types which should exist simply to cheer up audiences. When you come home from a tough day at work, you are much more likely to turn on a light-hearted comedy than a gritty realistic drama, because in that situation, you need the comedy. In many ways, this makes a story more memorable and more likely that the viewer will want to watch more, or re-watch the show.

Fiction is primarily a form of escapism, both for audiences and authors. So, they absolutely should read about characters struggling through and overcoming difficult situations. But if all readers see is characters constantly dying or giving into despair with no hope, they aren’t going to be caught up in the escapism.

Light and dark

Light does not necessarily have to mean the complete absence of dark. Even stories which are classed as comedies or are made for children can still delve into serious issues, often using humour to soften the blow. In many ways, these are my favourite types of stories, and I admire authors who can deal with these more sensitive issues while still retaining a comedic bend. A Series of Unfortunate Events is intentionally dark and outright points out in the narration that nothing is ever going to go right for the child protagonists. Yet audiences stay hooked because both the show and books make such good use of dark humour. You can see the same thing in many other works. My Little Pony had an episode about cults. Recess had an episode about psychological torture. Do I even need to mention the number of deaths in Disney movies?

Writing such stories is a positive experience, but that definitely doesn’t make it an easy one. Comedy isn’t nearly as easy to write as people assume it to be. I still have days when I’m so frustrated with my story that I need to take a step back from it to de-stress myself.

Remember what your story is

If you do like writing dark stories or want to impress a contest judge or your MFA teacher with a serious story, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t think it’s the only thing which makes you a writer. Stories are intended to be entertaining and entertainment is supposed to be fun, not depressing. Whether it’s a concert, a television show, or a sports game, entertainment is designed to give people a good time. There is no reason why your stories shouldn’t be the same way.

Why is Fantasy Obsessed With Royalty?

22 Friday Feb 2019

Posted by in author, Common Criticism, criticism, culture, dumbass in distress, fairy tale, fantasy, musings, romance, story, writing

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If you polled fantasy readers on the most overdone tropes in fantasy fiction, chances are that most of them will name something like ‘the rebellious princess’ or ‘the stableboy who becomes king’ or any of the other numerous royalty tropes which frequently appear in fantasy. Yet it doesn’t stop fantasy authors from churning out a constant stream of books about royals, or readers from consuming them. It has reached the point that members of a royal family have almost become the go-to cast for a fantasy novel, and sometimes it can be difficult to find a fantasy book which doesn’t feature a member of the monarchy in some form. If royals are such an overdone fantasy cliché, why are we still so obsessed with them?


Photo by King’s Church International on Unsplash

…And they lived happily ever after

It all goes back to where modern-day fantasy spawned from – fairy tales. The standard fairy tale plot is a princess gets captured or imprisoned, a hero shows up out of nowhere to save her, and he is rewarded with the princess’ hand in marriage and half the kingdom.

They may be old and horribly outdated much of the time, yet they are still the stories we are told as children, whether it is through bedtime stories or Disney movies. This teaches us from a young and impressionable age that being a Princess is something special and desirable and that a Prince is ideal marriage material.


Photo by Susanne Jutzeler from Pexels

The real-life fairy tale

This also explains why society is so obsessed with royalty in real life, despite several dark periods of history making royalty almost entirely obsolete in modern times. We’re well aware that modern monarchs are only figureheads with no real power anymore. Most of us are also aware that they’re living comfortable lives which none of us can ever hope for. Yet that didn’t stop tens of thousands of people from descending on London last year to watch the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle in Windsor Castle, or thousands more from watching it live on television. They have what we’ve been taught to desire, but instead of feeling jealous, we adore them for it.

Escape into fantasy

Time Magazine explains that our obsession with real life royals is a parasocial relationship, similar to our relationships with our favourite fictional characters. We form one-sided relationships and become invested in the drama and stories of their lives without actually interacting with them or having them directly impact our lives in any meaningful way.

Whether they are real life or fictional, royals provide us with a necessary means of escapism. The British people don’t care that the royal family are costing them money at a time when their financial and political future is uncertain. They ignore the fact that high expectations and constant media bombardment probably make the life of a royal more stressful than it appears in pictures. They prefer to think about the dresses and parties and the smiling faces they see in the newspaper.

Carfax2 / WikiCommons

Fantasy is one of the prime forms of escapist fiction, and what could be more escapist than picturing yourself as the beautiful princess living in a fairy tale castle and falling in love with the handsome prince? Even the old fairy tales provided an escapist fantasy for regular people to envision themselves rising above their stations and becoming royalty.

Prawny / Pixabay

In reality, being a public figurehead would be incredibly stressful, a castle would be cold and drafty to live in, and falling in love at first sight with a prince you barely know probably wouldn’t work out in the long term. Yet even knowing all this, it’s still much nicer to just think about the happily ever after.

The media cycle

Media outlets know that royalty is used as a form of escapism and that they can use this obsession to increase their sales. Being fed a constant stream of articles, images, and news pieces about royals keeps them in our collective consciousness and keeps people buying newspapers or clicking on news websites. Disney keeps on making movies about princesses because they are fully aware that they will sell more toys and more trips to Disneyworld. Similarly, publishers keep putting out book after book featuring royals because they know that as overdone as it is, readers will keep buying them, and the publishing cycle will continue.

Updating a tale as old as time

Yet a constant stream of books about royalty doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, or a sign of an unoriginal writer. Our knowledge of royalty also comes from history and folklore. Historically, a king was much more of an ‘everyman’ and representative of the people with a lot more say in the management and safety of his kingdom. This makes royals ideal protagonists for fantasy fiction based upon a historical setting, since they will need to make decisions which affect their entire kingdom. It provides more leverage for everybody’s favourite trope, the forbidden romance, with the royal finding a way to marry for love rather than political reasons. If you look closely enough at history, you’ll find that there are many more obscure royals or little-told-stories which would make for great fantasy books.

There are a multitude of creative ways that modern readers can use royalty to subvert the old tropes and put a fresh spin on them to attract more readers. This is why we are seeing more stories about overweight princesses, transgender princes, or royals from cultures which aren’t quasi-European. The beautiful princess and the handsome prince are still good starting points for writers, but it is up to them what to do with these old favourites.

Recommended fantasy books about royalty:

The Icemark Chronicles by Stuart Hill

The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Pegasus by Robin McKinley

8 Reasons Why Casual Fandom is the Best

18 Monday Feb 2019

Posted by in fandom, musings, story

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I’m happy to call myself a nerd and a fangirl, and it makes up a large part of my leisure time, and even my work. But fandom is a double-edged sword, and there will always be bad sides to it. A small portion of fans can easily ruin the entire fandom for everyone involved. This is why I often find that being a casual fan is better than being a hardcore fan. Here are a few reasons why:

  1. Avoiding fandom drama

Fandom is something that participants are supposed to enjoy together, yet fans seem fit to fill it with shipping wars, arguments, and overall drama over what is supposed to be fun entertainment. Casual fandom means you can continue to enjoy the work but let all this drama go on in the background.

2. No disappointment

Let’s face it, sometimes even our favourite ongoing stories take a turn for the worse. Characters fail to grow, the plot doesn’t go the way you hoped, or the network executives stick their noses in and ruin everything. This can cause rage amongst the hardcore fans for ruining something which means so much to them. But if you’re only a casual fan, you can simply say ‘that sucks’ and move onto a better story.

3. Not looking crazy

There are always a few fans whose actions make the entire fanbase as a whole look bad by association. For instance, the chaos of the mishandled Rick and Morty Szechuan sauce promotion was really only the work of a few crazy fans. Yet their actions were so insane and received so much bad publicity that it made every Rick and Morty look bad, which they definitely didn’t deserve. If you can say ‘I like that show’ and not ‘I’m a huge fan’, you will come across a little easier and avoid this bad reputation.

4. Stay away from the fandom police

Some fans care so much about their favourite work that they become almost militaristic in their devotion to it and police the rest of the fandom in the ‘right’ way to do things. They will jump down your throat for forgetting an obscure piece of trivia or call you out for a headcanon they don’t agree with. It’s hard to avoid these fans entirely, but remaining a casual fan does mean you can generally stay off their radar, and avoid their wrath.

5. Accept the good with the bad

No story is entirely perfect. They all have strengths and weaknesses. But tell an obsessive fan that and you will open up a can of worms. Some fans can become so obsessed with their favourite work that they outright refuse to acknowledge any of its legitimate flaws, often turning into the militaristic fan to deny them. By remaining a casual fan and looking at the work objectively, you can accept these flaws along with the strengths, and use them to improve your own writing or find more works that you enjoy.

6. Avoid spoilers

There’s nothing worse as a hardcore fan than accidently reading a major spoiler, or even having some dick spoil it for you. Yet while you are spending weeks, or even months, getting through a longer series, it can be tempting to peek into the social media tags or check out the TV Tropes page and accidently see a spoiler without meaning to. Casual fandom helps you to avoid this temptation and enjoy the big twists as the author indented.

7. Save your money

You’d be surprised how expensive fandom can be. When your favourite characters are plastered on t-shirts, toys, and posters, it’s difficult to avoid the temptation, even when you look into your empty wallet and weep. As a casual fan, you may buy the occasional shirt or mug, but otherwise your wallet will remain healthy.

8. Enjoy a range of interests

There’s nothing wrong with being passionate about your favourite story, yet some people seem to become so obsessed with a singular work that it almost consumes their entire identity. For me, fandom is a big part of my life, but it’s still only one thing I do. Staying in several different fandoms also allows me to enjoy a wide range of different stories, genres, and mediums. One day I might be binge watching an old cartoon and the next I’ll be riffing on a dumb movie. It gives me a wide range of interests and lots of inspiration for my own stories.

I Just Don’t Like Star Wars – What Happens When You’re Not Into the Latest Big Thing

12 Tuesday Feb 2019

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I’m just going to come out and say it – I don’t like Star Wars.

Just saying that is already going to piss off a lot of die-hard fans.

To clarify, I don’t actually hate Star Wars. I’ve seen some of the films and there are some parts I like. I think that Princess Leia is an awesome feminist icon, I love that John Boyega is from the same home town as my dad, and I love telling people that my dad once worked at a hospital with the actor who played Chewbacca. And I appreciate what the franchise did for popularising the sci-fi genre and nerd culture in general.

But even after watching the films, I still haven’t gotten personally invested into the series. In fact, I’m not really into a lot of things which dominate pop culture right now like superheroes or video games. I’ll go and see the latest superhero film if someone in my family wants to see it, but I don’t go out of my way to watch every single film which comes out, regardless of its popularity.

I do know the reasons why I don’t particularly like Star Wars. I was born a generation too late to watch and appreciate the original trilogy when it hit theatres, and now the sci-fi tropes which made Star Wars unique back then have been so overused that they have turned into cliches.

In a way it’s good that nerd culture has pushed into the mainstream and the same people who were picked on when I was at school are now at the top of the high school hierarchy. Yet it does mean that those same people who were the victims of bullying have become the bullies, and not just at school. Fans will jump down your throat and accuse you of being a ‘hater’ if you express an opinion different than their own, or will view you as strange if you don’t have in-depth knowledge of whatever is big in pop culture at the present moment.

When I was at school, being a nerd still meant being a part of the counter-culture and enjoying things outside of the mainstream. That’s why I was writing shitty anime fanfiction while everyone at my school was obsessing over some show called Big Brother. I just couldn’t understand the hype and join in with everyone else, so it made me feel incredibly isolated when I was younger.

But now that the tables have turned, I still feel isolated and locked out of the mainstream. For instance, I have fond memories of visiting the Disney theme parks with my family, but now that my favourite attractions are closing down or being altered to become Star Wars or Marvel themed, I wouldn’t enjoy a Disney trip as much as I once would. I’m feeling isolated from my own childhood nostalgia.

Yet despite what this article implies, I’m still glad to be a nerd and part of the counter culture. I’ve been this way since I was a teenager and I’m not going to change anytime soon. Yes, it’s a little disappointing that I don’t enjoy Disneyland as much as I once did or I have no idea what all the parody videos on Dorkly are talking about. But I still get to enjoy the fanart, fanfics, and discussions for my niche fandoms, and that’s good enough for me.

Crazy Fan Theory – Imaginary Friends

20 Thursday Sep 2018

Posted by in Common Criticism, crazy fan theory, musings, tv

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Friends was the quintessential 90s sitcom about a group of inseparable pals struggling through their 20s and 30s together. Some parts of the show haven’t aged particularly well (there are seriously so many homophobic jokes), but I still regularly give it a binge watch for the nostalgic value and the hilarious performances (plus that one episode about porn which was banned from Channel Four back in the day).

Too hot for Channel Four

One common complaint is how unrealistically the show portrayed life in New York City for a bunch of nearly-broke 20-somethings. Despite spending most of their day at the coffee house instead of their jobs, the Friends still somehow had huge apartments, nice clothes, and enough money to go on impromptu trips whenever they felt like it.

People in their 20s can easily afford last-minute trips abroad

Much of this was for practical reasons, such as the apartments needing to be big to move the cameras around. The rest you can pass off as indulging the viewer’s fantasies, something which I once heard somebody describe as ‘lifestyle porn’. We watched the show, and still watch it 20 years later, because we like to imagine ourselves having posh apartments in a glamorous city with dream jobs we somehow never have to actually go to and a group of friends who will always support us.

But what if the show wasn’t just a fantasy for the viewer? What if the reason why the Friend’s lives were so unreasonably perfect is because they were never real in the first place?

The Friends Asylum Theory

One theory I’ve seen floating around is that the entire show was actually set in a mental health institution and the Friends were really inmates either delusional or in-denial about where they really were. This would explain a lot of things like the lack of work hours, the fact they were together practically 24/7, and the characters like Gunther who existed only to take care of them (why else would Gunther work a minimum wage job in a coffee shop for ten years pre-recession?). Delusional thinking is common amongst mental health patients and people who have experienced trauma, so it makes sense that the Friends created a shared fantasy life to deal with this and their real lives in the asylum.

Each of the Friends displayed symptoms of a serious mental health condition which on the show were simply played off as adorable quirks. Rachel exhibited narcissistic and sociopathic behaviour. Monica clearly had OCD and an eating disorder. Phoebe was implied to have magical powers which were more likely symptoms of schizophrenia. Joey was addicted to both food and sex and was incredibly child-like. Chandler outright admitted to using his sarcastic humour to mask his childhood trauma. Ross’ abandonment and anger issues were so bad that he had an actual mental breakdown on the show (which again was played entirely for laughs). Even many of the secondary and one-off characters could actually have bene asylum patients (Ugly Naked Guy, Ross’ girlfriend who shaved her head, the ‘singing guy’ in the next building, etc).

Was Ugly Naked Guy an asylum patient all along?

The Friends Fantasy Life

You can take this theory even further and suggest that the entire show isn’t just set in an asylum, but entirely in the head of one of the characters. Phoebe is a regular target for this theory. Somebody on Twitter once suggested that she is actually a homeless drug addict staring at a group of five friends through the window of a coffee shop and imagining that she is one of them. Her twin sister Ursula is just her reflection and the quirky hipster songs she performs at Central Perk are really just her caterwauling on the streets for change.

You’ll never hear ‘Smelly Cat’ the same way ever again.

If you think about it hard enough, the entire show could be the idealised fantasy lifestyle of any one of the characters. Monica liked things to be clean, organised, and perfect so she could have fantased that her tiny, dirty New York apartment was actually a personal pleasure palace. Rachel may have actually married Barry in the first episode and was imagining what her life could have been like while in reality she was stuck in a horrible marriage. Joey could have been picturing how his struggles as an unemployed actor would eventually end. Ross was actually a massive douche canoe in retrospect (there have been A LOT of articles written about this) so maybe the show is his Nice Guy fantasy about Rachel falling hopelessly in love with him. Or maybe Chandler…actually I don’t want to get into what could be going on in Chandler’s head.

What do you think of this theory? Have I taken it too far and ruined the show forever for you? Am I the only one who really wants a modern-day remake of Friends with Joey and Phoebe as the main couple? Tell me your thoughts in the comments below!

Are We Over-Analysing Stories?

08 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by in author, book review, criticism, culture, film, film review, musings, story, writing

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An analysis on both the shortcomings and successes of capitalism and the disillusionment of a capitalist society and aversion to manual labour, the exploited proletariat, and the realities of Marxist socialism. With references to Ayn Rand, Soviet propaganda, and Bernard Manderville. That’s Wisecrack’s view of Bee Movie, anyway. To me it’s just a so-bad-it’s-good failed Jerry Seinfeld animated children’s film about bees that I watch when I’m drunk.

Also a woman fell in love with a bee

Why analyse stories?

I like most writers gained an interest in the field through English literature classes at school. I was encouraged to analyse and critique books, and later films at university, and never stopped. There’s nothing wrong with this as it’s both enjoyable and an essential part of being a writer. How can you hope to write well if you don’t know the elements of good storytelling?

There’s not even anything wrong with making analysis part of fandom activity. Often the most loyal fans are the most critical since they pay closer attention to the work. And being aware of the flaws in a piece of fiction doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy it. I could write essays about what is wrong with Tolkien’s books and the film adaptations, but I could also write twice as much on everything great about them.

I have a lot to say about Legolas’ mullet

The critic problem

Being so obsessed with stories has naturally led me to making extra money by writing book reviews, and occasionally posting reviews on this blog. The general structure of a review which was given to me by the editor is supposed to be:

  • The general plot of the novel
  • What works and doesn’t work about it
  • Who would enjoy the book and who should avoid it

In my spare time I enjoy watching reviews and video essays on Youtube. I even enjoy Wisecrack’s series of philosophy and deeper meaning videos, since it puts a lot of my favourite stories in an entirely new context that I never noticed before. Some online critics have even turned critiquing into an artform in itself, by making their videos both informative and funny. Tony Goldmark, who reviews theme parks on his show ‘Some Jerk With a Camera’ is my favourite reviewer since he uses his background in comedy music to make his videos half review and half comedy sketch show.

But even the critics I used to enjoy are deviating away from the formula that I obey strictly, something which was made even clearer during the recent Change the Channel fiasco. I’m not alone in feeling that some professional critics are getting a little too invested in what is supposed to be just entertainment and angry over what they deem as subpar. I understand that they care deeply about maintaining a high standard of quality in the industry. Yet even as a writer and part-time critic myself, sometimes I just want to scream at them ‘it’s only a story! Get over yourself. It’s not worth getting this angry’.

The rise in popularity of Youtube channels such as Cinema Sins has also created the idea that we need to nitpick every tiny detail of a work of fiction and that anything less than perfect is worthless. Yet nobody in history has ever created anything completely perfect (except for my parents when they made me!). Just look at their critique on Ratatouille. Did you even notice half of the ‘sins’ they bring up? Did it ruin your enjoyment of the film? Probably not. You were probably just paying attention to the story, characters, and great comedy, not minor continuity errors that nobody cares about.

Obsessively critical attitudes like this are part of the reason why people seem to be becoming more cynical and judgemental about media today and may even be putting off great artists from creating the things they love. Nitpicking is neither good criticism nor good entertainment. That’s why nobody wants to hang out with the person who teases you for every little thing.

The ‘wrong’ perspective

This can happen in English literature classes too. True most authors do write for their love of the craft, and with the average pay for writers being so low that’s the only real reason people should write. But what they don’t teach you at school is that more often than we’d like to admit, if you ask a writer the real meaning behind their work, they’ll answer ‘because I needed the money’ or ‘that’s the only way I could get the story to work’.

We tend to view Shakespeare’s plays as the height of sophistication which people quote to sound smart (I know I do). Yet we forget that at the time they were written, they were seen as populist entertainment, the same way that soap operas and sitcoms are generally viewed today. If you analyse them deep enough, you will find lots of bawdy humour, black comedy, and words Shakespeare made up just to suit the scene (did you know he invented the word ‘elbow’?). Some even theorise that he had to write his plays a certain way to entertain royals, not because he wanted to bore school children hundreds of years later.

This is happening even to more contemporary authors. Right up to his death, Ray Bradbury had people arguing to his face that his novel Fahrenheit 451 is about censorship, not a commentary on television like he intended.

I suppose having your work mis-interpreted is one of the risks of being an author. Then again, the entire point of literature, in my opinion at least, is that each reader is allowed to interpret it the way that they want. And if thousands of people view Farenheit 451 as a critique on censorship then there’s nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with telling the guy who wrote the book that his own interpretation is incorrect and that theirs is the only right one.

Analyse at your own will

It is enjoyable to look for the meaning and symbolism in fiction and to write it into your own stories. But I’m against the idea that all stories need to be layered in symbolism or have a deep and important message. Stories can be read and written just for fun, not because we want to play a game of ‘spot the symbolism’. Some stories can just be about an exciting adventure or two people falling in love, not a veiled essay on the Irish potato famine.

Maybe Bee Movie is a genius deconstruction of capitalism. Or maybe it’s a dumb animated movie about bees which is fun to riff on with friends. At the end of the day the only thing that really matter is what you thought of it.

Crazy fan theories – When will Arthur return?

29 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in crazy fan theory, fantasy, merlin, story, tv

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Warning – Major spoilers for the ending of Merlin (BBC series)

Welcome to a new section of my blog called Crazy Fan Theories. Here I will be sharing bizarre headcanons I have developed for my favourite pieces of pop culture and examining existing fan theories. I’m going to start off with one of my favourite tv shows- the BBC series Merlin– and one of the ongoing questions which fans have been asking since the show ended in 2012.

When will Arthur return?

Like all Arthurian legends, the show had a tragic ending. In the final episode, Arthur succumbed to war injuries and died in Merlin’s arms. Merlin gave him a Viking funeral to send him to the Isle of Avalon to await the predestined day that Arthur will return when Albion needs him most.

Plus he had to drag the body there himself

The show’s final scene is an epilogue of sorts in which we see Merlin as an old man in the modern-day walking past the Isle of Avalon, still keeping watch over it and awaiting Arthur’s return. Supposedly he has been waiting for over 1,000 years at this point, long after everyone he ever loved has died.

Good old family entertainment from the BBC

The more you think about it, the sadder it becomes. The entire series was focused upon Merlin restoring the ‘golden age of magic’ and ending Camelot’s persecution of magic users. Yet many fans felt cheated that they never got to see this happen. It becomes even sadder when you consider Britain’s long history of witch burnings and the fact that witchcraft didn’t become legal in the UK until 1951. Even today, neo-pagan religions such as Wicca and Druidism are incredibly obscure and are generally treated as strange and suspicious. The last time I checked, the UK isn’t full of magical creatures such as dragons and unicorns either, so all that trouble Merlin went through to save the last dragon egg was completely pointless.

Completely pointless baby dragon

So Merlin has basically failed in his lifelong quest of restoring magic, but he can still await Arthur, right? Except that Albion doesn’t need the two of them anymore. Despite what fearmongering tabloids will tell you, the UK, and the western world in general, is better and safer than it ever has been in history (so I really don’t know what I’m constantly complaining about…). Not that everything is great for everyone but people in the UK now live longer, have easy access to all necessities, and can freely practice magic (even if it isn’t the glowy eyes kind from the tv show). This article on Ranker points out that even people in the UK working minimum wage jobs still generally have more freedom and a better quality of life than Arthur had as a king in the Anglo-Saxon period. They aren’t being forced to marry their cousins at the age of 12, they aren’t at risk from dying from something as simple as an ear infection, and they don’t have to live in drafty stone castles. They also aren’t constantly at risk from invading armies or the occasional griffin attack.

Apparently this just used to happen all the time

But if modern-day Albion is doing so well, does that mean that Arthur will never need to come back? Will Merlin wait forever for a day that will never come? Or perhaps this golden age was possible because Arthur has already returned.

Arthur’s real return

Albion has seen a lot of war and strife in the thousand or so years since Arthur’s death, but not even those were enough to warrant Arthur’s return. The one time in this turbulent history when the people of Albion were in the most danger, when they needed Arthur more than ever, was during the blitz from 1940 to 1941. In all the wars in British history, this was the only time that civilians were in constant danger of attack. An estimated 43,000 civilians were killed during this short time and endless buildings were destroyed, taking decades to be restored.

Destruction during the blitz

It makes sense that this would be the time when Arthur returned from Avalon to defend the people of Albion with Merlin’s help. With 1,000 years to think it over, he would have come to terms with witchcraft and fighting alongside a wizard as well. Perhaps he took on a new persona as an army figurehead and might have even become a politician after the war. The timing of this coincides nicely with the repeal of the Witchcraft Act in 1951 and the emergence of neopagan religions in subsequent decades. Perhaps Arthur and Merlin were covertly working to gradually restore the Old Religion to Albion and accomplish what they weren’t able to in the age of Camelot. If anything they beat their predestined expectations since paganism is now more popular than ever and practised throughout the world.

Modern day druids at Stonehenge (which was built by Merlin, btw)

When we see Merlin as an old man in the final scene, it isn’t because he is an immortal stuck in that form forever. After Arthur returned to save Albion and their destiny was fulfilled, both of them were free to live their lives however they wanted and Merlin finally started to age naturally. By 2012, Arthur had passed away from old age after a long and fulfilling life. Old Merlin is not waiting for Arthur’s return – he’s waiting the day when he can finally move on to join Arthur and all of his loved ones in Avalon. They may not have been completely successful in restoring the old ways, but they can still rest knowing that magic users are safe from persecution and Albion will be just fine without them.

 

What do you think of my headcanon? What’s your crazy Merlin fan theory? Tell me in the comments below!

New short story – The Fox and the Illuminator

22 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in fairy tale, fantasy, Short story, story, writing

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I’ve found another old short story which I submitted to a few contest then forgot about. Please enjoy!

The Fox and the Illuminator

The Royal Illuminator was working alone, as always, in the castle scriptorium, squinting against the dim light and coughing occasionally from the layers of dust which gathered on the towering stacks of books. He had been spending the past few months illustrating a book of the kingdom’s history, carefully painting each ornate letter with precision. It was an incredibly important book that the King himself had commissioned from him and was to be the grandest book in the royal library.

As such, the Illuminator put even more care into the manuscript than usual to make it exceptionally magnificent. The illuminations lit up the page, brighter and more beautiful than any book he had ever worked on before. Each picture reflected the glory and lustre of the event it depicted. He loved his work and was gratified by it, but the long hours spent in the silent, empty scriptorium often grew wearisome and lonely.

In the middle of one such day when the sun was high in the sky and the warm sunlight peeked in through the windows, the Illuminator found his hand steadying, his mind drifting, and his eyes drawn towards the garden outside the window. The trees gently swaying in the breeze and the sunlight sparkling on the lake looked particularly inviting that day. If only he could take just one day off from his work, he thought, to enjoy that sunshine, but the manuscript was close to being finished and the King was incredibly strict with deadlines. He noticed a fox wandering around the garden, thinking it strange that a fox should be out at that time of day.

His eyes followed the Fox as it prowled towards the lake where the swans were resting on the bank. With a single quick motion, the fox snapped up one of the swans in its jaws, sending the others flapping and squawking away in a panic. The Illuminator forgot all about his work, jumped to his feet, and ran outside.

“Stop that.” He shouted as he sprinted towards the Fox, who was dragging the dead swan away in her jaws. She looked at him curiously as he approached. “Those swans are the property of the King. It’s illegal to hunt them.”

“But surely that law applies only to people, not to foxes?” The Fox said, dropping the swan to the ground to speak.

“Well…yes.” Admitted the Illuminator, a little stumped to be talking to a fox who spoke his language. “But I still have to stop you. Those swans are protected by the law.”

“Why? Aside from their size, they’re not that different from the other birds in the trees, and there’s no law protecting them.” The Fox said.

“It’s the law. I have to uphold it.” The Illuminator replied.

“Do those trees belong to the King?” The Fox said, pointing her snout towards the forest of tall oak trees.

“Yes. That’s the King’s hunting ground.”

“And yet you would not stop a squirrel from gathering an acorn for its winter store.”

“I suppose I wouldn’t.”

“Most of those trees are there thanks to squirrels gathering acorns and forgetting where they buried them. If not for them, you wouldn’t have the berries that make the inks you use for your books.” The Fox said, noticing the coloured ink stains on the Illuminator’s hands which gave away his profession. “Killing this swan may be against the King’s laws, but if I don’t bring it back to my den then my cubs will starve.”

“I didn’t think of it that way.” The Illuminator said. He’d never realised how important those trees were to the work he treasured. The trees provided the wood for his pencils and the other equipment in his workshop. Without the inks, his pages would be dull and colourless. They provided him with shade in the summer to sit underneath them and read, on the rare occasions when he was free to read. “Go quickly then, before the guards see you.” He said.

“This will not be forgotten.” The Fox said before picking up the swan and carrying it away.

The Illuminator smiled and returned to his work, his mood lifted and his earlier boredom forgotten.

 

Not long after, the Illuminator’s work was suddenly interrupted when two armed guards burst into the scriptorium.

“What’s going on?” He said.

“You’re under arrest.” One of the guards said, grabbing the Illuminator’s arm and jerking him to his feet, leaving a large green smear across the page he had been working on.

“What, why?” The Illuminator asked.

“You were seen. Talking to that fox and letting it off with a swan without trying to stop it.” The second guard said as they dragged him out of the scriptorium.

The Illuminator desperately tried to explain why he hadn’t stopped the Fox, but they wouldn’t listen. They led him through the palace and straight to the King, throwing him down to the ground in front of the entire court, who all gazed down on him scornfully.

“Do you care to explain,” the King bellowed in his loud, imposing voice that made the Illuminator shudder, “why you allowed a fox to steal one of my swans?”

“Please your Majesty, the swan was already dead by the time I got there.” The Illuminator pleaded.

“The swan’s body is still my property, and you let the fox go unpunished.”

The Illuminator tried to explain and repeated what the Fox had said to him, but the King still wasn’t convinced.

“You disregarded my laws and for that you are banished from my castle and my service.” The King said.

“Your Majesty, can you not take comfort that one swan will save an entire litter of fox cubs?” The Illuminator tried one last plea.

“Foxes, horrible mangy things. Now I’ll have even more poaching my swans and raiding the chicken coop. Away with you. Go and live with the foxes if that’s what you want.” The King commanded. Before the Illuminator could say anything more, he was pulled away and forced out the gate into the street.

“Wait, at least let me gather my tools. I need them for my trade.” The Illuminator said, but the guards had already slammed the gates closed.

 

No matter how much be pleaded with the gatekeeper, the Illuminator wasn’t permitted to retrieve his tools, or even the possessions in his chamber. Some of the materials he used for his trade were incredibly rare. He had travelled far and searched wide to find them – gold leaf, dye from Mediterranean Sea molluscs, crushed opals, rich green cobra venom. He was the best illuminator in the kingdom, but without his tools and materials, he couldn’t find any work. Illumination had been all he’d ever known and loved since he was a boy and he didn’t have any other skills. Nobody wanted to hire a vagrant who claimed to be an illuminator.

With no money, no tools, and no job, he had to sleep in abandoned buildings and beg on the streets for pennies. He had to steal food from the King’s orchard, as dangerous as it was to do so, and went to sleep every night alone and miserable.

“If only I still had that manuscript I was working on before all of this happened.” The Illuminator said as he huddled in an old shed with a leaking roof, his stomach aching from hunger pains. “I spent six months working on that book, night and day, and I was so close to finishing it. It was the best work I ever did.”

But it wasn’t really his. It never had been. He’d merely been commissioned to make it. Eventually it would’ve been placed on a library shelf and he would’ve been handed another job.

“If I only had that book to work on and complete then I could at least keep my sanity. I would feel like I had a purpose in life again.”

He saw a dark shape slip underneath the half-rotted door and worried that it was another rat come to bite at his toes. As it came out of the darkness, he saw that it wasn’t a rat. He recognised the speckled red and brown coat. It was the Fox he’d met in the garden all those months ago.

“It’s you. I didn’t think I would see you again.” The Illuminator said. The Fox approached him and he saw that she was awkwardly carrying something large and cumbersome in her mouth, which she placed in his lap. He picked it up and tears filled his eyes as he recognised the illustrations, letters, and gold leafing he had spent hours getting just right. “This is my manuscript. The one I worked so hard on.” He looked up to the Fox, who had sat down next to him. “Why would you do this for me? If the King had caught you sneaking around his palace and stealing from him then you would have been made into a pair of gloves by now.”

“If it wasn’t for your kind act then my cubs would have starved. But now you are the one who is starving.” The Fox said, hanging her head. The Illuminator had never thought he would see a fox feeling guilt, and especially on his behalf.

“I do not blame you for that.” The Illuminator said, reaching a hand towards her head, which she leant into his hand, allowing him to stroke her soft fur. “The King would not listen to reason. He wouldn’t even forgive the death of one swan.”

“Indeed. But I fear this offering cannot fill you belly.” The Fox said.

“No, it can’t do that. But it is more than enough. It may still help me out of my poverty.”

 

“What do you call this?” The King said as the pages of the book in his hand fell apart as he flipped through them. “Not a single thing in this book is right. The colours are all wrong. The pages are out of order. And you didn’t even spell the name of the kingdom correctly!” He bellowed at the nervous apprentice illuminator at his feet, throwing the manuscript at his head. “Get out. Bring me another illuminator. One who can actually do his job.” He said as the apprentice gathered up his pages and fled from the throne room in tears.

“I’m sorry, your Majesty.” The King’s Advisor said at his shoulder. “That was the last illuminator in the kingdom.”

The King rubbed his temples. “Then hire back the illuminator we let go.” He said.

“We…We uh…” The Advisor said, hiding behind his ledger.

“What’s the problem now?”

“We tried to find the Royal Illuminator, your Majesty, but he’s gone too. He’s not anywhere in the kingdom.”

 

“This is the best work I’ve ever seen!” The Queen of the neighbouring kingdom said as she enthusiastically turned the pages of the history manuscript.

“Thank you, your Majesty. I admit it’s not quite finished yet.” The Illuminator said. He felt awkward standing in the opulently decorated throne room in filthy bare feet and clothes which hadn’t been washed in weeks.

“I can see that,” the Queen said as she turned to the page with the ugly green stain, which made the Illuminator blush with embarrassment.

He had long since heard that the Queen of the neighbouring kingdom loved books and had a vast library. Even her throne had a tall stack of books next to it, he noticed. As poor as the Illuminator was, he had taken the risk to travel to her kingdom for just that reason. With his treasured manuscript tucked carefully under his arm and the last of his pennies in his pocket, he had trekked over open fields, drunk rain water from puddles, and survived off berries (although he had kept a few that would make a fine ink). Finally, he had arrived at the Queen’s castle with bare feet and worn clothes but to his luck, it had taken only one glance at the manuscript for her guards to escort him straight to her throne room.

“But for unfinished work, it is still wonderful. The colours are the brightest I’ve ever seen. You must tell me how you do it.”

“I would be happy to, your Majesty.”

“Any king or queen would be honoured to have a book this marvellous in their library. Could you make me a history of my kingdom?” The Queen asked.

“Of course, your Majesty, whatever you ask. But it would take some time and I fear I don’t have the tools or the materials.”

“We’ll provide you with tools and anything else you need. And some new clothes and shoes, of course. I don’t want you to get cold. I’ve long heard of the great skills of my neighbour’s Royal Illuminator. I’m surprised the King fired someone of your talents.”

“There was a…small disagreement involving a swan.” The Illuminator said.

“How silly. Still, no need to worry about that now. I expect you’ll be wanting to see your workshop. And then you must join me for tea and tell me about these illustrations.” The Queen said, rising from her throne and handing the manuscript back to the Illuminator.

“Your Majesty, didn’t you say you wanted this book for your library?” The Illuminator asked.

“Yes, I would love to have this book for my library, but I feel that it belongs to you.” She said, placing it back in his hands. “Besides, you probably want to finish it.”

 

And so, the Illuminator completed his most precious manuscript of all, and many more besides. The Queen of his new kingdom had the most beautiful and well-crafted books in her library that were admired by all who saw them. She and the Illuminator spent many happy hours together discussing books and illustrations. On days when the weather was bright, the Queen demanded that it was too nice a day to spend with work and they spent the day strolling through the gardens and relaxing under trees, talking and laughing together and feeling complete with one another.

As for the Fox, she and her cubs were never again bothered by the King’s guards, and neither they nor the Illuminator ever had to go hungry again.

Why I love fairy tales (but I hate fairy stories)

08 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in anime, criticism, fairy tale, fantasy, musings, villain, writing

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I love fairy tales and love writing stories adapting or subverting their tropes. But one thing you will never find me writing is stories about fairies, or even featuring fairies, because personally I can’t stand them and have no interest in writing about them.

If this may seem odd, consider the difference between a fairy tale and a fairy story. In his essay On Fairy Tales, J.R.R Tolkien defined a fairy tale as a story dealing with the land of faery and mankind’s relationship with it. They often work as cautionary tales about wandering into the realm of the fae and not being able to return to the ‘real’ world.

‘Faery’ is a fairly broad term but it generally refers to what ancient cultures believed was a world parallel to but connected to our own filled with other-worldly creatures. Fairies were one such creature, but not the only ones which were said to inhabit it.


By contrast, Tolkien defined fantasy as something set in an entirely invented world, like his own Middle Earth. More authors are making subversions by returning to the fae variety, but what we now call fairies tend to be creatures of fantasy rather than mythology. They tend to be small, humanoid beings, usually with wings and some form of magical powers.


The reason these fairies never resonated with me is because each interpretation tends to fall into one of these categories:

1. Too generic. It’s difficult for me to love any fantasy creature if the author doesn’t do at least something new with it.
2. Too girly. Not that I’m against girly (I’m a big fan of My Little Pony) but so many writers try to make their fairies too saccharine and sweet, which makes me feel like they just vomited glitter all over the page.
3. Too bitchy. I guess this is supposed to be a subversion of the girly variety, but it tends to come across to me as making them overly mean for no real reason.

This doesn’t mean that I hate all stories with fairies, however. I like the weather fairies in A Tiny Snow Fairy Sugar and the sweets spirits in Yumeiro Pâtissière since despite being overly cutsy, they were still different than the standard fare and their story arcs were just as strong and significant as those of their human friends.


By far my favourite fairies in any form of fiction were the three good fairies – Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather – in Disney’s version of Sleeping Beauty. This is because they were well-rounded, funny, and interesting characters, in fact they were far more heroic than the incredibly bland and useless titular character.


While their magical powers were fairly generic and the film does rely upon incredibly black and white ideas of good and evil, the three of them avoided being either too girly or too bitchy by becoming developed characters rather than fairy archetypes. They had positive and negative qualities, they created some of the best comedy that’s ever been seen in a Disney film, they were loving to Aurora despite her complete lack of a personality, and when the time came to it they were completely badass. Really, the King and Queen should have given control of the kingdom to them at the end, since they were the only ones who had any sense (destroying all the spinning wheels in the kingdom both destroyed the economy and left everyone naked, your majesty).

The villainess Maleficent is also technically a fairy (which is why the re-make made her more like the fae variety) but also greatly different than most ‘bad’ fairies in fiction. True her motivation is for incredibly petty reasons, only because she wasn’t invited to a party, but she is still one of the most memorable villains that Disney has ever made. Even sixty years later, she is still the benchmark against which all other animated villains are measured. The strong characterisation of both the good and evil fairies is what makes Sleeping Beauty into both a fairy tale and a good story about fairies.


What are your thoughts on fairy tales and fairy stories? What are your favourite and least favourite fictional fairies? Tell me in the comments below!